So as though I didn’t have enough complicated stuff to deal with already, there’s the other thing that’s really upsetting me: the fucked up, horrible state of the country right now.
I hate it here—especially here in Texas—and I want to get out ASAP. I have the money but where would I even go? I guess I’m going to get a passport very soon because that’s pretty essential to being able to get out of here.
But what about my career plans? Can I even still be a therapist anywhere else? I’ve looked into it and haven’t found much. If that’s not a viable career plan, can I really support myself if I leave the country?
Maybe I could move to a blue state and life would be better. But “they” (always the infamous “they”) say that you shouldn’t make any major such moves in at least the first year after losing your spouse.
I can’t believe it’s already been almost half a year since I lost J. In so many ways, it feels like I’m just doing worse and worse without him. My kids still don’t fucking have jobs. I never, ever predicted that.
I don’t feel hopeful anymore at all. I don’t know what my future holds or if it will even be good.
I just don’t know how or why to keep going. J left me here alone and everything sucks.