So I did it: I had sex with someone who wasn’t J. I didn’t feel like I was cheating on J or anything, which is overall really good.
The one thing that was overwhelmingly good was that I felt very wanted and desired. I haven’t felt like that in a very long time. I also felt pretty comfortable in my own skin (and he even commented positively on that, so I guess that was evident even to him.) I thought I had a lot of hang ups about my body being less than perfect but I wasn’t too self-conscious. So yay for all that.
But there were a couple things that weren’t so great and I’m going to get fairly graphic, so you can dip out now in case you’re really bothered by that.
One is that he kept making noises even though we were in my house and I told him that the walls were thin and we’d have to keep the noise down. I made two gestures to keep the noise down and he didn’t. They were just noises like being really satisfied, even when we would kiss, but I’ve never been with anyone who did that before and it struck me as kinda weird. Like dude, can’t you keep it down?
Not surprisingly, I didn’t have an orgasm even though he tried and I’m usually very orgasmic lately. I think that was because I was so self-conscious about the noise and also not wanting to make a big squirty mess (which was the thing I mentioned yesterday that I do and he didn’t like it.) He told me that I could just let go and relax but actually I couldn’t, because I knew he wouldn’t like it.
And then there’s the matter that he was much less well-endowed than J was. I’ve never considered myself a size queen or anything but it just didn’t feel like our bodies fit together right.
And the one thing I was so excited about—the fact that he could finish inside me because he’d had a vasectomy and a recent STI test— is actually weirding me out. It’s more unpleasant than expected and I just feel like I stink.
All in all, I’m glad I did it and got over that “first time without J” thing and didn’t feel like I was cheating on J. But I learned lots of things from it, like that I don’t want my first time with new partners to be at my house. I’m probably going to need to find some discreet way to apologize to my kids for the noise but can’t figure out how, so I probably won’t and will have to let it blow over. That’s a whole awkward situation I’m not happy about.
And I don’t know if I will continue having sex or not for a while. Being held and desired both felt great. Having someone who couldn’t wait to get me home and get my clothes off was wonderful.
But I also don’t know if I need to be more sure that I’ll get an orgasm matters; I think it does. I didn’t frequently have orgasms for many years before but now that I can, there doesn’t seem to be much point to having sex without them (other than the skin-to-skin contact and cuddling, which are admittedly nice.)
Maybe I’m just not a casual sex person. Or maybe I would be fine with someone who didn’t make me self-conscious by being noisy or not being at my home. And maybe unprotected sex isn’t as important to me as I thought. (Right now I just want to take a shower.)
I don’t know. On balance it was mostly okay and it was a safe re-introduction to my sex life after J. But at least I’m going to change some things before I do it again and I probably won’t do it again with him.