Round here

I’m just thinking of this band I always listen to when I’m depressed, the Counting Crows (also known as the Country Cows, as my husband thought the writing looked like it said on the front cover. Or maybe that was me and I falsely attributed it to him.)

I’m not even listening to it now because it has such a powerfully negative impact on my mood. It just speaks to depression like nothing else does. I haven’t listened to it since one of the trips back from dropping off Dylan at A&M. It doesn’t matter; I know all the songs so well, I don’t even have to hear them. Simply thinking of them is enough.

I just keep thinking about how much better it would be if I weren’t here anymore. Life without J feels so empty and pointless.

Dyl could have my car. The kids could divide up the remaining life insurance money.

I wouldn’t have to worry about my friend paying me back, which I’m not even sure she’s prioritized her budget to be able to do so. I probably most likely have to write off that money as something I’m not going to get back. I thought she had changed but apparently not that much. I guess she gets to benefit from J’s death and my very well-intentioned generosity that I really couldn’t afford.

I wouldn’t have to worry about how to live without J, which I’m not at all certain that I’ll ever get over.

There is only the fact that my kids would have to find me, however I decided to go out. I know that would emotionally scar them and they’ve already been through so much with losing their dad.

But I admit that in a lot of moments like these, the importance of that fades. I can convince myself that they would be okay and maybe even better off without me.

I just feel like what I have to offer the world pales in comparison to my pain. I’m disabled and I’m not sure I can get off of it. I’m always so, so tired, even though I changed medications to a less-sedating one. I don’t know how to get from here to where I need to be or even if I can.

I have all these ideas of things I would still like to do but no energy to even think about doing them. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

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