Swing low

I’m on the down swing again. I’m sure that a big part of it is that tomorrow is Father’s Day and I’m just really missing J.

We were supposed to get together and have a celebration of his life yesterday. It turned out that it didn’t happen, in part because I slept until 4:00 but a bigger reason was that Amy didn’t feel ready for that yet. So we postponed it until December for J’s birthday.

We’re all dealing with his loss in our own ways. I think she’s feeling a lot about Father’s Day like I was about our anniversary. It’s all just a lot and we’re not ready to confront the reality that he’s gone.

I’m also really regretting loaning my friend that money to get her out of debt. I know she intends to pay me back but hasn’t started doing so yet. She said she was going to start repaying me this month and she still could; the month isn’t over yet.

But the cost of gas and groceries have gone up a lot and I know she’s dealing with that too. She’s dealing with a lot of stressful stuff right now and I know she’s aware that she promised to start repaying me and probably feels a lot of anxiety about it.

I just don’t know why I gave/loaned her the money. I really felt like she needed my help (which she unquestionably did) and at the time, I felt like I had a lot of money.

I don’t feel that way anymore, though. I feel panicked af about all the expenses and the kids not having jobs yet.

And there’s also the fact that my friend is posting memes about her “best friend” and tagging other people in them. I know that she’s one of those kinds of people who has several “best friends” and I would probably be one of them. But I admit that it still gives me a little pang to see that and also makes me just want to kick myself for once again being too generous.

I really have to learn a sense of self-preservation or it’s really not all going to work out okay for me.

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