I was hit by another sudden, unexpected wave of wanting to die yesterday. I don’t really know what caused it. Maybe it was related to not being able to go through with my date yesterday, I don’t know.
All I know is that yesterday, I really overwhelmingly didn’t want to be alive anymore. I still don’t.
I told my best friend yesterday that I just really needed someone to hold me. Nothing sexual at all, just hold me. She said no.
I get it; that’s probably a weird request. At the same time, I would definitely do it if someone asked me.
I asked Dylan and he also said no but he did give me a hug, so I guess that’s something.
Nobody ever talks about that aspect of widowhood, when you just really miss being held and getting that tangible, real reminder that you’re going to be okay.
There’s nobody who is willing to do that and apparently it’s way too much to ask. I’m just so incredibly lonely and scared by just about everything.
I want someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. They won’t, of course. And I just really don’t feel like everything is going to be okay.
I’m having lots of fantasies about my own death. I’m thinking about what I would have to get done in order to set up a good life for the kids. I’m not at all convinced that they wouldn’t be just fine without me.