Ugh

My day was just weird, I guess.

I decided that we can’t really afford to go on a trip after all, which is super disappointing. I really feel like I could benefit from a real vacation but I just can’t really afford it.

We might go down and spend a day in Austin (because Dylan’s never been there) and San Antonio, which neither of us have ever seen. J loved San Antonio and always wanted to take me, so that might be a fitting choice for a first trip.

Chloe had to cash in her last CD today, which was money from her lawsuit settlement. She’s understandably feeling freaked out about money. I’m also feeling freaked out about money, since I just had to write another check from the life insurance amount. It feels like I’m going through it too quickly, which is just what J feared. I feel like I’m disappointing his memory for needing more to get by.

Dylan’s going to get a job as soon as driver’s training is done but I think he won’t have a license right away, which means I’ll have to be available to take him to work and pick him up. That limits me from getting a job of my own until I no longer have to drive him, which is just ugh.

I need to be able to work and I can’t because he still needs me. And he doesn’t like being dependent on me any more than I like it but we can’t do anything about it. Which means I have to borrow more against the life insurance money, which just makes me feel like a failure.

We have to all get on our feet and we will but it has just taken so much longer than expected.

Meanwhile, I bought a particular hoodie for an old friend from my hometown a couple of months ago (it was on a really good sale and I knew she would love it, which she did.) But now she’s asked me twice for money, first for gas money and this time for grocery money.

And I get it; I really do. That’s much of the same reason I had to get out of there because poverty is endemic and it’s a trap and there’s a certain element of learned helplessness.

But I can’t afford to help her and I said no. I need to stop donating to GoFundMe accounts too, even when they’re for good causes and people I know. I want to save everyone but I have to save myself first.

Oddly enough J was worried that I would go through the life insurance money too fast but he thought I wouldn’t be able to rein in my frivolous shopping. It turns out that it’s not the frivolous shopping that’s getting me but being too generous with others.

It doesn’t matter what I’m spending on, though. I have to start looking out for myself because my position is still a lot more perilous than I am comfortable with.