Well this is weird

I have a dating profile on a couple of apps. So far it hasn’t led to any actual dates yet, which is almost entirely because I haven’t accepted any. (However, I may be meeting up with a woman on Saturday for dinner and then possibly going to the gayborhood.)

The thing that is so weird is that I am getting much more interest from much, much younger people. It’s mostly guys but not exclusively.

I really don’t understand at all what my appeal is to someone in their late twenties. I mean, I’m 48 freaking years old—almost 50, for god’s sake!

I’m assuming that either younger people are seeking out someone my age because they think that I might be more sexually experienced than women their age or that maybe I could teach them something? I really don’t know but I’m just thinking it’s like a Mrs Robinson kind of thing (although The Graduate was even before my time, so it’s even more dated of a reference to them.)

I honestly don’t know if I’m flattered or disgusted.

On the one hand, I’m obviously extremely flattered that several of them are telling me I’m gorgeous or beautiful etc. I don’t really see myself that way and my self-esteem really tanked during my marriage. I tried to build it back up when J changed and he really wanted me to see myself as beautiful too but the damage was already done.

So it’s obviously an ego boost that so many people are attracted to me and I’m sure part of it is that I both look much younger than I am and also think like a younger person, too.

But I don’t sense that any of these young people who have expressed interest in me are interested in any kind of serious relationship. I assume that I am just a sexual conquest, the one who can check off the box for an “older lady.” A “milf.”

And I’m not sure I’m interested in being that for someone.

But at the same time, I also don’t feel ready for anything serious yet, either. So maybe I could benefit from their youthful exuberance and stamina? I just really don’t know. I honestly never, ever expected to have as much interest in me as there is and I’m inclined not to trust it.

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