The emptiness

It’s overwhelming how lonely I feel without J.

I should have felt better yesterday because my best friend came over for several hours. But it didn’t take away my empty and lonely feeling. Sure, I had a nice distraction from it for a while but as soon as she left, my emptiness crept back in.

I just feel so lost without J. He had been my nearly ever-present companion for almost 30 years. This is the longest I’ve ever been alone and I’m not getting used to it.

I dream of finding love again someday but there’s no guarantee that I will ever find it.

I think that a big part of the problem is that I don’t want to settle for just anyone. I could very easily find someone else now, as my experience on the dating apps shows. I’ve had more than 300+ “likes” on my OK Cupid profile in the past month.

But none of them are J. None of them even seem to come close. I am resigning myself to being alone for the foreseeable future. I know it hasn’t been that long yet but I am just experiencing it as torture.

I know, I should be happier to be single. Lots of people are. And I know that I am happier alone than with someone who makes me miserable. I generally like my own company.

But I also feel way too young to be alone for the rest of my life. I am happier in a relationship and I have a lot of love to give. Yet I know that the way this works is that if I’m going to find someone to love again, it will probably be when I’m least expecting it and wishing for it to come along sooner isn’t going to make it happen.

Nobody ever talked about how hard it would be to just keep going on without J. I wasn’t prepared for this at all.