The blahs

I am still just tired.

I’ve taken Provigil the past two days (a smaller dose) so I could get some stuff done and I’ll probably do the same thing tomorrow. After all, stuff still has to get done, whether I have the energy for it or not. Which I don’t. I still want to stay in bed all day.

I wrote an article for Medium yesterday about how J grew up. It took a lot out of me and I still don’t feel like I did nearly as good of a job capturing what I wanted to say as I’d hoped. Maybe I’ll try again later.

I feel like I have so much I want to say and I just can’t get the words out.

I got in a fight with the kids at dinner yesterday. I apologized to them and we ended up resolving it but shit is just hard. I told them both that they had to start chipping in towards household expenses. But I made the mistake of telling Chloe that I didn’t feel like she was trying very hard to get a job (which, honestly, she’s not, although she has had a lot of delays due to her name change.) She burst into tears and said that she already feels bad enough that she doesn’t have a job and that she doesn’t feel confident that she can do it and my comments don’t help.

That broke my heart and I don’t know how to fix it. We talked through it and I told her that I was just extremely worried about money and I needed her to take her share of the bills out of her savings. I really, really didn’t want to have to do that.

Dylan stayed mad at me for longer (he’s a lot like J in that regard.) But he still gets over it quicker than J did. I told him that I needed to talk to him and I went over roughly how much our monthly bills are and how much income I have and he could easily see how short I am.

I told him that I needed his help and asked how much he would be able to contribute and when. I was surprised that he estimated a larger amount than I was thinking he would.

But he said that he might want me to pay off his student loans, which are relatively small; only $2750. They’re not even due yet so I told him we could revisit the issue when they do come due. I explained that in my current situation, paying bills that aren’t even due yet doesn’t make sense.

I am worried about him, though, because he is so extremely terrified of debt. Like to an irrational degree. J was similarly terrified of student loan debt, which I told him about.

When we first moved down here, J and I both were going to enroll in school; that was part of the reason we initially moved here. Even out-of-state tuition was cheaper in Texas than in-state tuition was in Michigan. But when he realized that we would have to take out loans to do it, he backed out (for both of us, which I didn’t appreciate.)

I explained how that ended up being a huge mistake that altered the course of our lives. J never did go to school for what he wanted (to teach elementary school.) I told Dylan that doing so ended up hugely screwing us over financially in the end because J didn’t earn as much as an elementary school teacher until 2 years ago.

Dylan didn’t believe me and he fact-checked me right then on his phone and looked up the median salary for elementary school teachers in our metro. Oh.

I don’t know if I should pay off his student loan or not. On the one hand, it’s not that much. But on the other hand, is he entitled to it? I mean, no one ever paid off any of my loans. And he seemed to think that the life insurance money I got was “supposed to” go toward my education, so why not his, too?

The sense of entitlement was so huge in his statement. I explained that no, the life insurance money is all I will ever have as a personal safety net.

But he’s so terrified of debt that I don’t know what he’d do if I didn’t pay it off. He doesn’t understand that his payments would be next to nothing; it’s the fact of having that debt that’s terrifying to him. I’ll have to think about it for a while.

Meanwhile, another day, another shooting in America. I’m so, so tired of this. I want to get out of this state, possibly this whole country. I really don’t know what to do about that, either.

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