I had a breakthrough in my grieving. I think my emotions were stuck before because I didn’t want to let myself feel how bad I really felt.
Now I do and I can’t sleep. At all.
I cried for hours yesterday and stayed in bed for most of the day but I didn’t sleep.
I’ve been wide awake for about 19 hours so far and don’t feel sleepy at all.
Having that breakthrough where I was able to truly cry yesterday unleashed something but I’m not sure what it is.
I wrote about how fast J’s health unraveled near the end and the lengths to which my household went to protect him from Covid for so long and how my husband’s health affected my son’s mental health at college in a piece for Medium. They’ve already picked it up for further distribution.
In it I described the state of unreality and numbness I lived in for so long. I think that was a protective mechanism. Now I feel everything and it all hurts. Even my heart rhythm is different, which may be that widowhood effect I read about.
I took an aspirin and a beta blocker tonight just in case. This feels different and not in a good way.