The day after

Amy said that the day after her DXM trips always left her with a sustained better mood, which she called an afterglow.

While I was in a pretty decent mood, I also still kind of felt the effects of the high yesterday. I wonder if I’ll get the afterglow tomorrow or if this was it. She said I could do it 2 or possibly even 3 times a week if I wanted but I don’t think that’s too likely.

I don’t know if it’s a sign that I struggle with relaxation (which I definitely do) but I can’t imagine losing that many hours a week.

I do also now have access to UT Southwestern’s department for treatment-resistant depression. I got a referral from my NP the other day. That may allow me to try ketamine, which is a therapy I’ve been very curious about.

I think that the reason I’ve gotten high twice in the past month (which is very out of character for me) is because I’m trying to see if it will help me process all my feelings about losing J. The first time, being high on weed was so unbelievably unpleasant for me that it didn’t help me at all with processing my feelings about J.

Amy suggested the DXM trip and said it would be more likely to achieve what I was looking for. I would say that in that regard, she was mostly correct.

But both times I was high, I kept a “trip log” of my experiences (which I am sure sounds super nerdy, lol.) And I actually shared both of them with her, which required some vulnerability on my part (especially last night’s, although I stopped it before my conversation with Chris got more inappropriate.)

Sharing last night’s with her actually really helped me and further strengthened the bond of trust I have with her. Actually, the more I tell her about the supposedly shameful secrets I have from my marriage, which I’ve felt so much shame about, the better she makes me feel about them and tells me that I have no reason to feel guilty.

One of the things I wrote in my trip log last night was that I felt so guilty about having the mindset of a serial cheater. And she made me feel so much better about that.

She said that she understood that the line between platonic and romantic relationships is very easy to blur and she had figured that out as a fairly young teen—before we moved down here at least.

She said that the reason J didn’t understand that was in part because he was so emotionally stunted and that it wasn’t that I was doing anything wrong. It’s still a little hard to let that really sink in and take root.

She also understood that he loved me to the fullest of his capacity (which I believe he did, too) but that the amount that I loved him was visibly so much greater.

She doesn’t blame me at all for trying to find happiness again with someone who’s more emotionally in touch with their feelings.

It’s kind of weird because my friend is experiencing something similar in her marriage that I have gone through before, too. She’s very positive overall and very growth-oriented and doesn’t define her happiness anymore by pursuit of material things. But her husband is not along for the ride at all.

In many ways, I felt the same way, starting when I moved back down here. I felt like my life had so many possibilities and I was keeping a very positive mindset. But then that came crashing back down when J moved down here.

Then he became Mr Wonderful and started to change how he treated me about a year later.

Then he got cancer and everything turned upside down in so many ways. We made the best of our time together while we had it and then I cared for him through the end, which took a brutal amount of strength on my part.

But he never did get to the point of understanding my more positive mindset, which I’m starting to get back again. I just don’t think he was capable of it.

I don’t know if I ever would have divorced him before he got cancer. I honestly thought about it a lot before he became Mr Wonderful. Afterwards, he was truly a joy in my life, even though he didn’t understand my belief in greater possibilities. I wonder if he ever would have if he hadn’t gotten cancer. It seemed like maybe he could have.

I think the results of my trip just made me feel sad about what J never got to experience. I still feel sad about that but I also feel like I did well to honor and respect him in the end.

But I also don’t feel like my story is anywhere near over yet, either. I’m actually kind of excited to see what happens to me.

1 Comment

  1. SH says:

    I’ve heard good things about therapy ketamine. I hope it works for you.


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