Low, low, low

God, yesterday was depressing. I finally got a hold of someone at the social security office. Previously, I called the local office and I always had to leave a message, which they never returned. So I called the office for one county north of here and actually talked to someone.

I’ll get the one-time payment of death benefits for $255 (woohoo? I guess?) But then they also told me how much I’ll be eligible for at age 50 for J’s survivor benefits, assuming that I stay on disability.

It’s only 70 percent of the total but it’s somewhere in the range between $600-700 a month. His total benefits will only be about $1000 at full retirement age.

And OMG, that just made me feel so depressed. I know that his last two years alive, he made much more and he was just coming into his prime earning years when he died. If he had lived longer, it obviously would have gone up substantially.

But an extra $600-700 a month is practically nothing, at least around here. So I have to try to get off disability and really make it work. The problem is that right now at least, I am not so sure that I can make it work.

I am so sleepy all day. My doctor exceeded the normal maximum dose of my Provigil, which is the medication that keeps me awake. The normal maximum dose was still allowing me to feel sleepy.

It might be because I am also taking a fairly low dose of a benzodiazepine medication to help me sleep. I always still feel tired when I wake up and I don’t know if that’s because of the drug being in my system or not. The benzo medicine also quiets the spasms in my legs and I don’t know what’s going to happen if I quit taking it.

The thing is that tapering off benzos is a long process. I tried cutting back my dose by 1/8 last month and within four days I was crawling out of my skin and felt suicidal.

Chloe said I can live with her and she’ll split the household bills with me. But for one thing, she doesn’t even have a job yet. And for another thing, when I told her that I had hopes of making a good salary as a therapist, she said that would be good because she doesn’t really want to be responsible for me at either my age or hers.

She still wants to get out and live her life and I really want that for her. I don’t want her to feel obligated to help me, even if she would.

It just feels like so many things have to line up just right for me to get off disability and I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself right now. In fact, I feel like a burden and a failure and like the kids would be better off if I weren’t here.

I don’t have enough money to support them. They’re apparently not ready to launch and start contributing to the household bills. But my money is quickly dwindling and that terrifies me.

I’m floundering and right now all I want to do is join J.

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