The blahs

I still feel like I haven’t accomplished anything, even though I can point to several things I’ve done. I don’t know if I’m measuring myself against an unrealistic standard or if I need another day soon of doing absolutely nothing and staying in bed all day.

I’ve forced myself to get out of bed every day lately but at the end of the day, I asked myself why I bothered. I guess I feel some obligation to the kids to at least appear marginally productive but it never really seems worth it.

I’m so discouraged about so many things right now. I bought a new gate for my fence, figuring I would pay someone to install it. Technically, it’s not my responsibility but it seems like a nice thing to do for our landlord, who hasn’t raised our rent in the past 6 years that we’ve been here. To rent a comparable house pretty much anywhere in our metro area would cost at least $500 more a month.

But I called to get estimates for installation and all of them are coming in at about $600, which is absolutely ridiculous to install a gate. Yet I have no earthly idea how to do it. So now I’m going to look on YouTube and see if it’s something Dylan and I can do together. If not, I’m going to start introducing myself to my neighbors and hoping that someone will take pity on me as a new widow and maybe I can get it done for less than $100.

One of my oldest friends invited me to her gathering later this summer, where several of my parenting group friends meet every year. I’ve never been invited before. On the one hand, I am so grateful to be invited and I think it could be wonderful to be around so many people who love me.

But on the other hand, I remember when my friend did some very horrible things to me (like knowing that I had a vomit phobia and sending me a link to a video of someone vomiting, then playing dumb like she had no idea what was in the video.)

But that was a very long time ago, probably more than a decade ago. We’ve all changed and grown up a lot. Hell, I don’t even have the vomit phobia anymore.

At the same time, though, I wouldn’t want to go if I thought that the tragedy of my life would just become gossip fodder. I don’t think it would but there’s just enough doubt in my mind that I can’t be certain yet.

There’s also the fact that I really have to get my sleep straightened out before then (which I have to do either way.) I will presumably have started school by then and as it stands right now, I would need several days to recover from a trip like that, which won’t be possible if I’m in school.

I have pretty much determined that the reason I’m so excessively sleepy all day is mostly because of the Klonopin I take at night to help me sleep. I tried to taper off of it by cutting my dose by 1/8 last month (?) and within 4 days I was suicidal and crawling out of my skin.

This drug is no joke. I want to envision a life free of it and then I would be able to get a lot more done. But until that happens, I feel like I’m a slave to it and it significantly limits my life in so many ways.

I have an appointment with my psych NP later this month and I’ll see if she can switch me to something shorter-acting. Klonopin is one of the longest-acting benzodiazepines. All of the benzos are bad news because you become physically dependent on them very easily and quickly but it’s my understanding that some of the shorter-acting benzos are easier to quit taking.

I just want to be free and to have normal energy levels again. Right now that seems so far away but I have to believe it’s possible.

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