I decided to make a profile on a dating site. It’s the same one where Amy and her boyfriend found each other and they’re an exceptionally good match for each other.
And I decided based on the results they showed me that I am definitely not ready to date anyone at this time. More specifically, I was trying to find a female friend who might have the capacity to become more than that, and nobody matches up to J in any of the ways that count.
I don’t do well with being alone; I never have. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy my own company or that I am in any way dependent on being with someone. I just really prefer to have someone to regularly talk to and do stuff with.
I always thought that I was kind of a loner but I guess I’m not as much as I thought. I think that for the most part, I’m not very needy. I am fine doing a lot of things by myself.
But I really do miss just having basic human companionship. I don’t think I’ll be alone forever but it’s clearly not the right time to meet someone to fill the empty space left by J.
It’s not even a relationship per se that I’m looking for, just friendship (and maybe sex if it turned into that.) I just want to find someone to have interesting conversations with and I think I’m just too weird and intellectual for most people. I know that sounds obnoxious but it’s not meant that way. I just like to have conversations with real substance and I can’t find that.
I really miss having someone who understood me and spoke my language. I never had to worry that my thoughts were too weird or my political views too extreme. Losing J really is about losing my best friend of 28 years and it’s definitely not easy to find a substitute.