Nope, not yet

I decided to make a profile on a dating site. It’s the same one where Amy and her boyfriend found each other and they’re an exceptionally good match for each other.

And I decided based on the results they showed me that I am definitely not ready to date anyone at this time. More specifically, I was trying to find a female friend who might have the capacity to become more than that, and nobody matches up to J in any of the ways that count.

I don’t do well with being alone; I never have. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy my own company or that I am in any way dependent on being with someone. I just really prefer to have someone to regularly talk to and do stuff with.

I always thought that I was kind of a loner but I guess I’m not as much as I thought. I think that for the most part, I’m not very needy. I am fine doing a lot of things by myself.

But I really do miss just having basic human companionship. I don’t think I’ll be alone forever but it’s clearly not the right time to meet someone to fill the empty space left by J.

It’s not even a relationship per se that I’m looking for, just friendship (and maybe sex if it turned into that.) I just want to find someone to have interesting conversations with and I think I’m just too weird and intellectual for most people. I know that sounds obnoxious but it’s not meant that way. I just like to have conversations with real substance and I can’t find that.

I really miss having someone who understood me and spoke my language. I never had to worry that my thoughts were too weird or my political views too extreme. Losing J really is about losing my best friend of 28 years and it’s definitely not easy to find a substitute.

3 Comments

  1. SH says:

    You’re not weird.

    I like that kind of conversation except that I often don’t know enough. But if it’s a topic I do know about (eg particular parts of clinical psychology), I can talk a lot and indepth and feel really lonely to not have friends who could converse with me.

    Maybe there are online discussion groups you can join? Some of those can eventually become offline meetings, I’m sure.

    Like

    1. Holly says:

      Very possibly. I need to find more people to have conversations with for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. SH says:

        I think Facebook has some great groups. No harm posting there asking friends to recommend groups.

        Like

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