A visit

Amy and her boyfriend came over to visit last night and we had a really nice time.

I got some shoes for them from Cariuma—a vegan, eco-friendly, sustainable brand. I was a little nervous about buying them shoes, as Amy has a long-standing rule that she doesn’t like me to buy clothes for her.

But the shoes went over very well, which made me super happy. John got on his phone and looked up the brand and made several impressed-sounding comments. The pair I ordered for him were white sneakers with the Atari logo, which I knew he would really like.

I also ordered Jelly Bellys for each of the kids as kind of a belated Easter gift and those went over well, too.

Amy also noticed that I have lost quite a bit of weight, though we are very cautious in how we word such things because we both tend to get in unhealthy states of mind regarding our weight.

Then, we got in a lengthy conversation about how I’m moving forward without J. I have made a few changes since he died, mainly in making the house feel more like my own.

I don’t honestly know why I’ve felt such a strong desire to do that because he was never particularly controlling of how I chose to decorate or anything.

But I have made my bedroom and bathroom very pink. He never would have had any issues with that. I’ve also very recently replaced my 15-year-old Fiesta dishes, which he might have had a problem with.

Dylan’s reaction to the idea of me getting new dishes was that he thought it was an unnecessary expense, since we already had a set of dishes that worked just fine. I am nearly 100% sure that would have been J’s reaction, too.

But when I got the new dishes—which are white on the inside or the part of the plates that face you and pink on the bottom—Dylan actually changed his mind and said that they are indeed nice after all. He likes to cook and sometimes takes pictures of his food and he said that the new dishes look much better and he realized that the old Fiesta dishes were actually kinda garish.

I had come to see them the same way. And luckily, there are a lot of people who collect even used Fiesta dishes, so I can probably sell them (whenever I get around to it.)

We also talked about the fact that we’ve hung on to a lot of stuff, just because what we currently have still technically works. A good example of this is our dressers. We had two hand-me-down nightstands that we inherited from his grandparents but they were never our taste in the first place. So the first frivolous thing I spent money on was two new nightstands that I bought on clearance from Ethan Allen.

Similarly, I’ve been trying to decide what to do about our dressers. One is inherited as part of the same set from his grandparents. The other is his own dresser from his childhood. I know that to replace them with something of comparable quality is not going to be cheap.

He never saw the need to replace them because we already had dressers that were functional. But I am learning that I don’t necessarily feel the same way. In many ways, I feel way too old to still be using hand-me-down furniture that is not my taste at all. And there’s something about having J’s childhood dresser that feels like enormously bad juju…but that would also mean that I’d have to sort through his clothes, which I’m nowhere ready to do.

But like Dyl and I (mostly Dyl) have planted a lot of flowers around our house, which J was never into doing. We got a small set of patio furniture so Dyl could enjoy sitting outside with his plants. And I ordered a new gate for our fence and will have to pay to get it installed. That gate has been in poor repair since we moved in and I think that just sucking up the cost is a very small price to pay for the fact that our landlord hasn’t raised our rent in 6 years.

J didn’t care about that at all but I do.

Similarly, I’m toying around with the idea of getting a tummy tuck, though I don’t know when that would be yet. Dylan said I just look like a normal mom who has had 3 kids and I should embrace that and kinda thumb my nose at society’s expectations. I don’t have a problem with embracing my grey hair and I don’t feel a need to color over it.

I know J always told me that I was beautiful just as I was. I know his views on plastic surgery were similar to Dyl’s. But the fact of the matter is that I feel like my stomach makes me look freakish and deformed and I know I would feel a lot better about myself if I had it done.

Being the sole person to determine what my life and future will entail is really kind of foreign. A lot of the choices I want to make are actually quite different from what he wanted me to do. And I’m still not sure how to feel about that yet.

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