I’m still heading toward the future and lately I’ve been really uncomfortable with the fact that I expect that it will be considerably different from my past. Like I really don’t know what to think about that at all.
My credit is the best it’s ever been in my entire life. I’m going to be beginning grad school this fall and I expect that my future is going to be better than my past. Even though I’m technically poor right now, I don’t feel like I am. My mindset has totally shifted.
I wonder if I’ll ever get married again. Part of me feels absolutely disloyal for even thinking about that, especially so soon after losing J. I’m actually learning how to take care of myself much better than I thought I would (although I still have some days I spend mostly in bed and I still haven’t really learned how to cook much.)
But at the same time, I can’t imagine being alone forever, either. I’m only 48 and I feel far too young to be alone for the rest of my life.
However, I have some expectations of what I would want to be different next time. I don’t want to regress back to financially struggling again. I want someone who still has a healthy sex drive because I spent so many years of my marriage being deeply unfulfilled. We finally got it right in the last 6 years or so but that was really a small proportion of our 28 years together.
And I think most of all, I would like to find someone who is emotionally healthy. That was the one aspect of my marriage to J that always suffered. He did so well at overcoming how he was raised but he definitely wasn’t emotionally healthy. I tried to show him as much love as I could and I think it made a difference. But I always knew that if he got into therapy, he would have been so much healthier.
Of course, there’s also a significant guilt factor there, too. I do always wonder if a therapist would have told him to leave me. I was so depressed for so long and he had to carry so much more weight because of it.
All these things plus being an interesting conversationalist who knows about indie music and books and loves me so much they think the sun shines out of my behind like J did in the last 6 years of our marriage sounds pretty impossible to find, I know.
I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself before I ever think of getting into another relationship, too. I think the first and hardest hurdle is letting myself grieve J’s loss. I’m definitely not there yet.