Busy day

I had a much busier day than I expected yesterday. I had my therapy appointment fairly early but didn’t go back to sleep afterwards.

I went out with Dylan to drop off his job application at the nursery, which would be a good fit because he likes gardening. But he also had an interview yesterday by Zoom for a new coffee shop that’s opening up very close to our house and I think he may have a good shot at that one.

Then we went out for me to return things to three stores and to drop off a package at UPS and then we went to Costco and the grocery store.

It was kind of interesting in a sad way that two nights ago at dinner, he mentioned how I used to spend every Saturday evening on my own, which he thought was because I was too picky of an eater to dine with J and the kids.

I stopped that habit when J got diagnosed with cancer. But I was able to show him yesterday just what kinds of things I used to do on my Saturday evenings. It was always for running the same kinds of errands that we did together yesterday and the fact that I picked up dinner for myself was just because I was gone so long that I needed to eat.

It wasn’t that I was too picky to eat with them at all but J did often use that opportunity to make things I wouldn’t like (or sometimes to take the kids out to places I wasn’t excited to try.) I’m really glad that they got that time together, to be honest.

But it also made me feel bad in a way, too. On the one hand, J didn’t have any desire to do those errands with me, so I guess I shouldn’t feel as guilty as I sometimes do that we so regularly spent that time apart. I don’t think he ever felt guilty about not spending that time with me, either.

But much of the focus was placed on the fact of me eating dinner by myself and I think all the kids felt that way about it. And really, it’s that I had other errands to run that J didn’t want to do with me.

It was actually kind of strange (in a good way) that Dylan didn’t mind going with me. I wasn’t used to it. And sure, he had no interest in going into the makeup stores with me, just as J wouldn’t have, either. But Dyl still found it nice to get out of the house and he just stayed in the car, messing with the stereo, while I went into the makeup stores.

I know that in J’s case, it was that he was exhausted from having worked so much and he preferred to be at home instead. And it’s not like I could have just not done my errands. But it was something that I was always made to feel kind of selfish for doing.

I don’t know if J viewed it as selfish; he didn’t seem to. But I know that the kids did at times. And I often looked forward to those outings—not because I was alone and certainly not because I got to pick up my own dinner, but because I was finally getting out of the house. I used to feel kinda trapped at home.

I suppose I could have run those errands during the week instead and I don’t know why I didn’t.

Then Dyl and I talked a lot about J and how much he worked and how little comfort he seemed to have with talking to them. I assured him that J loved him and his siblings, possibly even more than he loved me. But he just really wasn’t comfortable talking very much.

He said that he related to that but that also living in a dorm away from home kinda broke him of a lot of that. (He still doesn’t want to go back to dorm life again but he’s glad he experienced it.) He’s a lot more outgoing than he used to be.

But like J, he finds that I’m easy to talk to. I really hope that continues. I have a really good bond with all my kids and I’m so grateful for it.

On a somewhat unrelated note, my 26-year-old nephew (the good one I’ve mentioned before) also texted me out of the blue just to check in with me yesterday, too. I really appreciated that, especially since his mom is J’s sister and she blocked and unfriended me on FB. I don’t know if he even knows about that but it was nice to be remembered and to know that at least some of J’s relatives aren’t caught up in trying to please Sue.

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