Late-night thoughts

I somehow got through another day. It felt like I was sleepwalking the entire day, which is not a new phenomenon for me.

I think that I’m still mostly just numb about losing J. I think it’s such a profound loss that I can’t even grapple with it at all yet.

Last week, my therapist suggested that I try writing a letter to J, which I didn’t even attempt to do. I don’t know why, either; I’m just really resistant to even the idea.

I also have a handful of books that are supposed to be really good for dealing with grief. I read the first chapter of one of them about a month ago and then just stopped.

I don’t know why I can’t read any of these books, either. I’m normally really perceptive about my own underlying motivations but this time, I have no clue what’s going on with me.

I see my therapist tomorrow and I might mention it. I’m sure I will also mention all the feelings of guilt that I have regarding J. I know that he knew that I loved him but there were also so many ways in which I fell short of what he deserved from me.

His mom never really showed that she loved him so I am sure that his standards were really low. I could have done so much more to help him and I regret that I didn’t.