I guess I found out exactly where the limits are of my SIL’s loyalty to me. After I posted the link to that article about narcissistic mothers, she unfriended and blocked me.
I know it’s to be expected, as she is in very deep denial about her childhood. She wasn’t bothered, as far as I could tell, by her mother saying the kids and I were all dead to her or about her mother deliberately misgendering my kids. So her “loyalty” wasn’t actually worth very much at all. But it still makes me sad.
Most likely, she’s going to spend the rest of her life in denial and trying to appease her mother.
But I know that what I wrote is true and I stand by it. I already knew MIL didn’t like me so that was no big loss. It does make me very sad how much she has brainwashed my SIL but I also understand it.
I called Amy after she got out of work and she was so nice and reassuring to me, though. She saw it that I was doing what J never had the courage to do on his own (though he was also operating under the assumption that his mother wouldn’t be pure evil after his death.)
If his mom had refused to accept our kids and were more open about it, that would have been enough for him to cut her off. I think she knew that and that’s why she pretended for so long.
I did write my MIL a letter and I’m really glad I didn’t send it, though. Both my parents and Amy think that my personal safety would be at risk if I did. TBH, I didn’t take that too seriously at first because my parents can be a little too paranoid sometimes. But when Amy agreed, I have to admit that it shook me up quite a bit.
Amy has a pretty level head and I taught her to trust her gut. When she tells me something would be putting me in danger, I tend to take it seriously. She and I both have the same creepy feeling about my stepFIL. We like to joke about his “porno room” (aka his ham radio room) but the truth is that we both have a bad gut feeling about him.
He’s also a former hunter and just stupid enough that I can see him driving down to Texas to “take care of the problem” (or calling in someone who would.)
I need to remember that these aren’t just garden-variety narcissists that I’m dealing with but truly scary and evil people.
I remember my stepFIL’s absolutely dead eyes when he saw J’s dead body. He was clearly not moved in the least. I think he was glad J was gone.
I’m so grateful that the kids and I gave J a good life. But I’m not safe yet and I shouldn’t assume that I am.