Sorta back in the world of the living

I’m sorta back in the world of the living again.

I realized that part of my problem was that I was trying to wean off the medication I use to help me sleep. I know that doing so is going to be very tough but now is definitely not a good time to do it.

Part of why I was weaning off of it is because it prevents me from dreaming (or at least being aware of my dreams.) But the main reason I wanted to be able to dream again was so that J could visit me in my dreams, which didn’t happen, anyway.

I guess I’m sort of back to “normal” again (whatever that means now.) I wrote an article for Medium about how narcissistic mothers destroy their families. It’s mostly about my MIL. I saw that she had unblocked me on Facebook, presumably to be able to read what I wrote about her.

So I blocked her and then posted that. It feels good to get the truth out there. Not quite as satisfying as when I wrote about J’s abusive upbringing but close. I don’t have to hide from her anymore.

I’m sure one of the people who used to be our mutual “friends” will show it to her. I don’t care.

I wrote her a letter yesterday and decided not to send it because my parents are convinced that she’s so evil that she might stop at nothing to try to destroy me. I’m not honestly that worried, though maybe I should be.

My mom said that J’s sister Kris might be angry with me if I sent it and honestly I don’t care about that as much as I probably should.

Kris might be angry about my article, too (even though I didn’t mention her in it.) Again, I should probably care but I don’t. I don’t know if this is just a stage in my grieving process or what but I am so beyond done letting Sue dictate my life. I’m dead to her now, so I can say what I’ve kept bottled up for the past 28 years.

Kris is still trying to appease her and that’s her right to do. But if my silence is required to still have a relationship with her, no thank you. I’ve already independently reached out to one of her adult kids that I have a lot of hope for and that’s what matters to me.

Nobody can find out my MIL’s name unless they do a little digging; her last name isn’t the same as mine. I know most of my online friends can figure it out but they believed me anyway.

I’m a little curious about what the blowback from this will be but not enough to take it down. I think it may have the kind of potential to be one of my most-read articles over time.

I just want to let people with narcissistic mothers know that they’re not alone. I see them and the mental gymnastics they’re doing and it really is okay if they stop.

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