Pretending to be alive

Yesterday Dylan told me that he wanted me to get out of bed so I did. I faked being alive for a few hours and I made and drank a smoothie, which made Chloe think I was doing better, too.

But I’m not. And I also told them that I wasn’t.

They both told me that they really want me to stay alive. (Little did they know that I was looking up ways to kill myself earlier.) Amy took my pills that would have done it. At the time I was grateful but I didn’t know how much worse I would feel.

It feels like all my friends are pulling away from me. I guess I understand why because I’m no fun to be around right now.

I had therapy yesterday and I honestly don’t remember much of what she said to me. I do vaguely recall her telling me to write a letter to J and for some reason, I just can’t.

Chloe and Dylan both told me that they talk to J’s shrine in my front hall, where I keep his ashes. Chloe suggested that I take a margarita and just sit in front of his ashes and talk to him, since talking over margaritas was something we used to do together.

And for some reason, that just doesn’t seem like it will work, though I am not sure why.

Having a shrine with Cammy’s ashes helped me a great deal when I was grieving his loss, which at the time was the greatest loss I’d ever experienced.

And I’m glad that the kids are able to talk to J’s ashes and feel comfort from it. I don’t know why I can’t. I don’t notice J’s urn most of the time.

All I know is that he’s not here. I’m not getting any “signs” that his spirit is still around either, even though my therapist believes that he is.

I think the most positive thing that happened yesterday was that Dylan pointed out that if something happened to me, my cat Roshi wouldn’t understand and would just sit outside my bedroom door waiting for me to return. I know he’s right; Roshi doesn’t leave my side, even when I stay in bed for days.

It probably sounds pathetic that a cat is the only thing keeping me alive right now. I have convinced myself that the kids would be fine (once I get Dylan his driver’s license.)

At the very least I have to make sure that they have access to my money and know how to pay the rent. Hopefully by the time Dylan takes drivers training this feeling will pass.

I’m just so, so lost without J and I feel like nobody really cares.


  1. SH says:

    It’s not pathetic about the cat. There’s no shame in using whatever small or “silly” thing to hang onto an hour, a day at a time. Be it Dylan’s drivers licence, a movie coming up, postponing making a will etc.

    You lost your beloved spouse, no one with a sense of decency will judge you negatively for being “no fun to be around”. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Holly says:

      Thank you ❤️ I know that the kids care too and I don’t take that for granted. But the fact that Roshi sticks SO close to me that he follows me from room to room and wouldn’t have the comprehension to understand what happened to me really is the only thing keeping me going right now.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. SH says:

        💜 it’s sometimes even more meaningful in a way, because there’s this innocence to animals

        Liked by 1 person

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