Still in the dead zone

I need a mommy to come take care of me, as I am increasingly incapable of taking care of myself.

When my mom was here, I kept myself together because our visits together are so rare. I didn’t want to ruin it by falling apart, so I convinced myself and everyone else that everything was fine.

I kinda knew this day was coming, where I would so acutely feel the pain of my loss. I was scared of it and apparently for good reason, because it feels terrible. It’s so much worse than anything I’ve ever experienced before.

I don’t want to wake up every day anymore. Today, I’ve just stayed in bed for most of the day. I have things I need to do and I don’t care about them at all.

I have friends who care but that’s limited. I don’t blame any of them for not knowing what to do to help me.

Really, I need someone to nurse me back to life. And who has time to do that, when they all have lives of their own? I need someone to prepare regular meals for me and take care of the minutiae of my life and tuck me in for naps, as long as it takes for me to feel well and whole again. Of course nobody has that kind of time.

I just don’t want to be alive anymore; it hurts too much.

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