In the dead zone

I don’t feel like I’m even alive anymore.

Yesterday, I stayed in bed for most of the day. I got up around 5 pm and took a shower, then ate dinner that Dylan had prepared.

Then, Dyl and I went to Kroger for some groceries and we got all the large boxes out of my garage for bulk pickup tomorrow.

Then I folded a load of my laundry and just sat in front of the TV watching an interesting program about the history of Christian music. They began the program with the origins of the Jesus movement of the 70s, which my parents were really big into.

It was kind of an interesting contrast to this movie I watched a couple nights ago about Tammy Faye Bakker. I realized that Tammy Faye really was a genuine Christian who got caught up in a lifestyle that was out of her control. Did she scam people? Probably, although it was really more her husband who did.

I don’t know what I believe about God right now. I do know that most of what people are doing supposedly in his name is disgusting and not at all about what he really taught.

I guess I am feeling a little more kindly about true Christianity but it’s so hard to separate it from the evils that are done in its name.

J and I lived our lives in such a way that was compatible with Jesus’ actual teachings. Our kids do too, even though they all identify as atheists.

Something is making me think that if I read the Psalms right now, I would probably find a lot to relate to. I remember a lot of the Psalms being basically a cry out to God for help and feeling like God has abandoned you.

I certainly relate to that right now.

I don’t think I’ll find the comfort I’m seeking in any church. (Well, maybe J’s Episcopal one, since they are accepting of all, but I don’t think I could handle that right now.)

I feel very, very fragile right now, like I’m barely hanging on to life.

Most churches are so manipulative and right-wing conservative that I don’t belong there.

Part of me wants to just go sit in an adoration chapel (even though it’s Catholic and I’m not) and just cry and cry until somehow this horrible empty feeling leaves me.

I don’t even know if that would work, though. I’m pretty much all out of ideas right now.

The loss of J is suddenly so profound and it’s like a giant boulder in my life. I can’t get around it so I’ve just sat down in defeat until I figure out what to do next.

1 Comment

  1. SH says:

    💞. Early Christianity is really comforting to me sometimes. I’ve a friend who finds Catholic churches and serving in hers very healing.

    She has had a lot of religious trauma, a lot of grief over losing beloved people and would understand so much of what you wrote here. She’s training to be a death doula and interested in being a grief counsellor.

    I do believe J has been transformed back into the common elements which make up humanity and the stars. It doesn’t ever get fair that he was gone so fast and so young. All of you deserved so much more time with him, and that includes any younger hurting versions of you Inside you. And the grown kids too, of course.

    Liked by 1 person

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