Right now I am actually really regretting giving my friend that money, especially since I had also given her more before then. Of course now no one will have sympathy for me anymore, although that was mostly drying up in the first place anyway.
I know that I am feeling extra panicky because Chloe didn’t get the job she interviewed for. I really thought that this time would be the one to break her string of bad luck with interviews. She’s had so many interviews and can’t seem to get hired anywhere.
Of course I can’t tell her that I’m panicked and just have to continue to be her cheerleader. But frankly I am freaking the fuck out. I don’t know when she’ll be able to help me with the bills and I can’t afford everything on my own, even now.
That instability and uncertainty makes me feel afraid and unsettled by the money I gave my friend. After all, what good does it do to try to rescue her from not having air conditioning if I have to keep draining my savings to keep a roof over my head?
I am by no means anywhere near homeless, nor will I be anytime soon. But at the same time, I realize that I could have paid my rent in advance for 8 months with the money I gave my friend. Why didn’t I do that instead?
I know that it has helped her to believe that good things can happen to her and that’s a central core belief that I share. And maybe in the future (however far off it may be), when Chloe and Dylan both have jobs, I can get back to the place of feeling like the universe has my back.
But right now, it still feels like I’m shouldering all the bills alone—because I am, minus what Chloe pays for her share of the car insurance. I don’t make anywhere near enough to do this. That’s incredibly terrifying and I feel so vulnerable and scared.
And of course, that just makes me miss J all the more. I never felt this scared when he was around.