Right now I am actually really regretting giving my friend that money, especially since I had also given her more before then. Of course now no one will have sympathy for me anymore, although that was mostly drying up in the first place anyway.

I know that I am feeling extra panicky because Chloe didn’t get the job she interviewed for. I really thought that this time would be the one to break her string of bad luck with interviews. She’s had so many interviews and can’t seem to get hired anywhere.

Of course I can’t tell her that I’m panicked and just have to continue to be her cheerleader. But frankly I am freaking the fuck out. I don’t know when she’ll be able to help me with the bills and I can’t afford everything on my own, even now.

That instability and uncertainty makes me feel afraid and unsettled by the money I gave my friend. After all, what good does it do to try to rescue her from not having air conditioning if I have to keep draining my savings to keep a roof over my head?

I am by no means anywhere near homeless, nor will I be anytime soon. But at the same time, I realize that I could have paid my rent in advance for 8 months with the money I gave my friend. Why didn’t I do that instead?

I know that it has helped her to believe that good things can happen to her and that’s a central core belief that I share. And maybe in the future (however far off it may be), when Chloe and Dylan both have jobs, I can get back to the place of feeling like the universe has my back.

But right now, it still feels like I’m shouldering all the bills alone—because I am, minus what Chloe pays for her share of the car insurance. I don’t make anywhere near enough to do this. That’s incredibly terrifying and I feel so vulnerable and scared.

And of course, that just makes me miss J all the more. I never felt this scared when he was around.


  1. SH says:

    Not going to run out of sympathy. You’re a giver, and you make sense. It’s very very understandable why you’re panicky. Any chance that your grown children can do some odd jobs to help? Hell, any small amount can reduce some of the fear and worry you face, especially if they’re also expanding their comfort zones.

    How about J’s family? You’ve mentioned they’ve donated to the Trevor Project as a show of support. I’m wondering if they can help you out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Holly says:

      Thank you for your compassionate response. My son applied for a job last night and my daughter is going to apply for a job at which she has some connections via my same friend who I helped out financially. If they can bring in some money soon, it would definitely help out.

      I don’t know if I can ask anyone in J’s family (the good ones.) I don’t think that they have a lot to spare. I’m just grateful that they’re so supportive of us emotionally.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. SH says:

        They could know more kind people. I’ve gotten jobs and practical help through these kinds of informal networks, and have seen many get help too.

        For example, I’m in a local mutual aid whatsapp group… I’m a virtual stranger, yet got help. A lot of the helpers never ever type a single thing but come in quietly to help. Sometimes there’s a few brief success stories posted by an admin (all with consent) and the helpers are all anonymous.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Holly says:

        I would like to be one of those people someday. I have a friend who’s wildly successful, who I used to engage with on a much more regular basis when our kids were babies and toddlers. She pops up whenever I need help and donates to me very generously. (That’s happened only twice in 20 years.) She works for Google and is fairly high-ranked; when she donated to my GoFundMe after I lost J, my daughter’s boyfriend Googled her name and was very surprised that I knew her.

        I think I’m going to be okay in the short term and just have to get better about sitting with uncertainty. I believe everything will be okay in the end and honestly there are still so many people who need help more than I do right now.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. SH says:

        Also…that last sentence of yours is exactly what I go around saying.

        So my therapist literally wrote in my notebook “accept help NOW so you can give back later.”

        Consider these words a gift from a friend who knows you are a deeply kind person.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. SH says:

        You don’t have to ask them for $ if you’re uncomfortable. You can definitely ask them to help keep an eye out for helpful stuff though. Even if its linking you up with someone who can help with chores, or whatever really. A USA friend of mine basically barters food they get from the food bank but cannot eat (they’re not allowed to choose the food) in exchange for cleaning services as they have chronic health issues making household chores difficult.

        I don’t think the good folks in J’s family would be the type who would help against their will and then build resentment. They’re not J’s crap bio mum.

        Sending you so much compassion.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Holly says:

    Good suggestions! I will keep them in mind. Thank you for sending so much compassion. I kinda brought this on myself but I knew I would have enough left that I would be okay. I just didn’t anticipate being so scared in the meantime, yk?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. SH says:

      Hey, you didn’t “bring it on yourself” – saying this as someone who has also done similar things though the sums are different. “significant to you/me” amounts as gifts.

      I’ve been judged and shamed for that too, and that’s really all by people who don’t know the background context and don’t bother to get warmly curious rather than harshly judgemental. You don’t need such people in your life, you need folks who can understand where you’re coming from and who care about your well-being, and who won’t shame you.

      One of the main ways I show love is indeed through money. Some people prefer gifts but I like money because the person can spend it however they need, without having to get approval from me. I think you can understand that desire to help someone meet needs without putting pressure on them.

      Getting scared in the meantime makes a lot of sense! Given your experiences being on disability, financial mistakes etc, it’s natural you’ll wonder if you’ll regret your decision. During such uncertainty and such a deep loss due to losing J, your brain naturally fears.

      I’ve definitely made mistakes which cost me financially, which I kick myself on. “If only I had…” etc.

      I know for me, it helps to have 2 trusted people who I know care for my well-being and who are familiar with my “giving money to those in need” beliefs to help me reality-check my financial decisions. Or help me by setting a really small budget which I’m not to exceed. Really small right now is $0, because I’d give $10, $20 even though I’m at risk of houselessness and basically screw myself.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Holly says:

    Thanks for not judging me and for understanding why I’m afraid. I am so used to anticipating judgment that I’m pre-emptively defensive about the fact that I’ve been buying a lot of plants lately. I know, if I were really that worried, I wouldn’t be buying them. 🙄

    But the fact remains that buying plants puts me in touch with the earth (which has never been a big thing to me before!) and it gives Dylan and I something to bond over.

    I completely understand about having trusted advisors. Usually Amy is that person for me but I didn’t tell her about my loan to my friend. She did however talk me out of investing any of my life insurance money right now because the market’s too unstable. I have never faced even having the option to invest but there’s this uneasy feeling we both have that the US is teetering on the brink of something bad and it’s a time for being very cautious.


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