The emptiness

I got everything worked out with my friend. She told me she views it as a loan and I will be paid back. I chose to give it without those terms attached because I’ve seen friends get screwed over by lending money that wasn’t repaid.

Her husband is very prideful and he will be pretty insistent on repaying me even if she wasn’t (which she is.) And I asked my friend if she regretted how she treated me and she deeply apologized. In fact, it was my deciding that I was done with her that was a big part of what led her into therapy and she said that she spent her first several months in therapy discussing me. She said she had to take a hard look at herself and she didn’t like who she had been so she set out to change it.

She also said that a friend of hers runs a cat rescue and if she reaches the point that she can’t handle taking care of them all, her friend has agreed to take them in. So that’s a big relief to me. I still have plenty of money left, too; the amount I gave her, while significant, was only a small fraction of what I have left.

At the same time, though, I am also still clearly affected by widow brain and I need to be super careful. I don’t know if I would have done this if I weren’t dealing with widow brain. I understand now how widows get scammed out of their money and I asked the kids to keep an eye on me.

But all that aside, I just realized that I am so, so lonely without J. Like it just washed over me last night in a big tidal wave of grief.

I realize that I have been trying so hard not to feel it, to get on with my life like everything is fine and normal. Look at me! I’m such an inspiration! I’ve faced this absolutely devastating loss and I’m just looking ahead to my future goals!

But that’s all really a lie. I don’t think it has totally sunk in yet that I literally watched my soulmate die, just a couple of months ago. Right before my eyes.

Slowly, as my brain can handle it a little bit more, I feel the pain of my loss just a tiny bit more. And even these brief, momentary glimpses are overwhelming.

I had my soulmate. It really was real. And suddenly he was taken from me way too young.

I’m not angry, I’m just so sad. I really don’t even understand how this was even possible.


  1. SH says:

    You dont need to be an inspiration. In some ways, I feel the USA is so “toxic positive” (I read a good book on it) that it harms so many people.

    If I could, I’d hug you tight (with consent of course)… truly praying that you will have all that you need, for as long as you need. I wish there isn’t the pressure for folks to resume functioning in a set time frame.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Holly says:

      Oh yes, the USA is so big on toxic positivity! It’s actually really harmful and insidious.

      I would love a big, tight hug! Chloe gave me one last night too and noticed twice that I started moving away before I was done crying and pulled me back for a longer hug. I’m grateful for her.

      But I also notice how resistant I am to it, to being comforted in general. It just seems like there’s an acceptable time frame to need comfort and I don’t want to exceed it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. SH says:

        There is no time frame for needing comfort 💞! You wouldn’t say that to your children because you love them. (I blame the rampant toxic positivity in the USA.) Comfort is an essential human need, and km here to remind you along with the others in your life. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

        I’d totally bear hug you for ages.

        Liked by 1 person

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