I’m still thinking about my “crazy” act of generosity to my friend. I’ve always tried to be an extremely generous person and I deeply believe in karma. I think that for the most part, I’ll be okay in the long run.

But honestly, writing a check that large out of J’s life insurance money scares me more than I can verbalize. That money is supposed to help me survive, possibly indefinitely.

She didn’t ask me for it; I offered. I can’t help but feel moved by it when I hear that a family in Texas is living without air conditioning.

I’m assuming that if I get through graduate school, I’ll be making enough money that I won’t have to worry about my future security at all. But that is a pretty big “if” and I’m not sure yet that I’ll be able to do it.

If I’m not, I’m going to be pretty screwed and I shouldn’t have given my friend the money. I haven’t told Amy about it because I know she would tell me I was being insanely reckless, maybe even especially because of my history with this friend and how badly she has hurt me in the past.

Our relationship is totally different now and I truly believe that she has changed. But I’m betting a pretty big amount on that and maybe I can’t really afford to. But I always want to believe that people can change and I believe in giving people chances to change.

But is this a smart move? I really need to hear more of an apology from her but I don’t know if that’s just my ego speaking. I know that she gets it and appreciates being given another chance.

I really hope that my philosophy of generosity won’t bite me in the ass and I’m just really scared right now.

The fact that she has so many cats and isn’t willing to give any of them up is also scary to me. The costs for their care alone is going to have more significant of an impact than she seems to realize.

I just really hope this all works out. Sometimes I forget that my future is a lot more tenuous than I think it is.


  1. SH says:

    As I read, I’m reminded of how I’ve done similar things, even when I had no income and couldn’t work for a really long time (3 years now)… My therapist challenged me to think of ways I show up as a friend that don’t involve money.

    The very first thing I thought about, with regards to you, is how you’re a very non judgmental and compassionate person. Perhaps more valuable than money (and it sounds terrible to have no air conditioning in scorching summer!) is your presence in different forms for those you love. If you do indeed become a therapist, you’re definitely going to have a powerful self disclosure story with regards to how you support people in your life, with or without money.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. SH says:

    And whatever happens with that sum of money, I believe you will attract good people to you, because of who you are. I have no idea if karma exists or not, but I definitely believe that folks with similar values can find each other. You deserve security, and I hope you get what you need.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. dawnbe0d42281e8 says:

    Just checking in and saw this. Please put a stop payment on that check. Here is the thing about therapists. Yes you can make good money but it takes time. Look at the listings here (I can’t remember if you’re in Fort Worth or not):,-TX-jobs.html?vjk=a39a6886b0ba14e3
    The well paying jobs are after you’re independently licensed, which takes two years if you’re working full time (in Ohio it’s 3000 hours post-grad and it took me three years because I worked part-time). And some of those jobs are lying about the pay range because that’s working more clinical hours than most people are able to work. In other words, the Stonegate Center job is a lot more realistic than the San Antonio Counseling and Behavior Center job. You’re going to need that money for grad school and for post-grad school while you’re working towards your independent license. Look at the average pay for Texas: I’d say that’s about right. Until you’re independently licensed, making $48k a year full time is considered a good rate. Email me if you want to talk more about this but please stop payment on that check.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Holly says:

      If I’m even making $48K a year I will still be fine, because that’s more than I’ve ever made and I still have Chloe to help me. But it is a big amount to consider so I will.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. dawnbe0d42281e8 says:

        Do consider it because again, that’s working full time at an agency, which is its own kind of brutal. In any case, you need and deserve that money so that you can get through grad school without stress. Remember that during your internship year you’ll be in classes and working unpaid for 20 hours a week.

        Liked by 2 people

    2. Holly says:

      Also, I decided to go for a LCSW instead but I’m not sure if that changes anything, and I’m going to a much cheaper school.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. dawnbe0d42281e8 says:

        It doesn’t. LCSW has the same scope as a counselor and the internship/post-grad experience is pretty much the same. (I went for counselor because in Ohio it meant I could open my own private practice faster than I could as a social worker since I knew that agency work would not be a good fit for me and wanted to move away from it as soon as I could.) Listen, I love being a therapist and I want you to be successful, which means thinking about the barriers before they show up and planning accordingly. The last year of grad school and the time you spend under supervision are challenging and planning for it — like having enough money to not have to cook on long days, to keep getting your own therapy, to pay for good supervision if the supervision at your job sucks (that’s what I did) — will more likely guarantee your success. The work is triggering like WHOA and burn out can be high if we don’t take care of ourselves and not worrying about money can make a big difference.

        Liked by 2 people

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