I’m still thinking about my “crazy” act of generosity to my friend. I’ve always tried to be an extremely generous person and I deeply believe in karma. I think that for the most part, I’ll be okay in the long run.
But honestly, writing a check that large out of J’s life insurance money scares me more than I can verbalize. That money is supposed to help me survive, possibly indefinitely.
She didn’t ask me for it; I offered. I can’t help but feel moved by it when I hear that a family in Texas is living without air conditioning.
I’m assuming that if I get through graduate school, I’ll be making enough money that I won’t have to worry about my future security at all. But that is a pretty big “if” and I’m not sure yet that I’ll be able to do it.
If I’m not, I’m going to be pretty screwed and I shouldn’t have given my friend the money. I haven’t told Amy about it because I know she would tell me I was being insanely reckless, maybe even especially because of my history with this friend and how badly she has hurt me in the past.
Our relationship is totally different now and I truly believe that she has changed. But I’m betting a pretty big amount on that and maybe I can’t really afford to. But I always want to believe that people can change and I believe in giving people chances to change.
But is this a smart move? I really need to hear more of an apology from her but I don’t know if that’s just my ego speaking. I know that she gets it and appreciates being given another chance.
I really hope that my philosophy of generosity won’t bite me in the ass and I’m just really scared right now.
The fact that she has so many cats and isn’t willing to give any of them up is also scary to me. The costs for their care alone is going to have more significant of an impact than she seems to realize.
I just really hope this all works out. Sometimes I forget that my future is a lot more tenuous than I think it is.