The comedown

Well, it’s over. I got through J’s memorial. Overall, it was a very lovely ceremony. Dylan and Amy both read Bible passages and my mom read the prayers (which were said call and response style.) My mom was pretty choked up, which was touching.

J’s sister also did a reading and was pretty choked up as well. Overall, everything with Kris went about as expected; no better and no worse.

The priest even wore Converse All-Stars in honor of the fact that J always wore them.

I had what felt like an overwhelming amount of support from friends, which was so wonderful. My friend who just moved back from California made it, and so did the person I’ve previously called my former best friend (and she was lovely and very supportive), and even one of my local friends from the online gentle parenting group I’ve participated in for 20 years showed up, which was such an amazing surprise.

As she put it when she hugged me, she was there “on behalf of 100 women and Trey” (referring to the one gay dad who’s part of our group.)

Then I talked to my nephew Evan quite a bit because he has a bachelor’s in social work and I told him about my grad school plans. I was right that I have the best connection with him of any of Kris’ kids. We even exchanged phone numbers.

Then Amy and John and Chloe and Dyl and Savannah all came back to my house for a couple hours. I told them all about the horrible stuff I learned about Sue yesterday and about the fact that J’s biological dad always felt so much guilt over letting Sue win basically. My mom cried over that and so did I.

We also talked a lot about what a great man J was. My parents truly loved him like he was their own son.

Then Amy, John, and I went back to my parents’ AirBnb for about an hour. My dad gave us both some marijuana edibles (because it’s legal where he lives in Michigan) and gave me a couple of joints to smoke with Chloe and Dylan.

I really don’t give a fuck anymore about that, TBH. We’ve discussed drugs and we all believe marijuana is less risky than alcohol and they’ve both expressed a desire to try it. So yeah, I’m going to do it with them and I don’t even care.

Then my dad gave me something he made that’s a giant heart in the colors of the transgender flag. I was so, so touched by that! And we talked for a bit and he said that Amy and Chloe both look like very beautiful young women. He doesn’t understand what makes some people trans but he says that he doesn’t need to; he just accepts them as they are.

So it’s been really nice for my parents to get to know all the kids and meet their significant others and really get to know them as adults. As my mom said, they are each the kinds of people she would want to be friends with even if they weren’t her grandchildren. I love that they can see for themselves how special the kids are.

But on the other hand, now that J’s memorial is over, I’m just left with my grief. There’s only the rest of my life to get through without him and that makes me so, so sad.

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