I don’t know why I’ve had such terrible anxiety this week but I have some good ideas.
For one thing, I haven’t been sleeping well and I’ve been up earlier than usual every day. I’ve been taking more of my meds to keep me awake and alert, which have anxiety as a side effect.
My therapist had to cancel this week.
I’m trying to get my house clean before my parents get here on Friday, which is a huge ordeal even though the kids are helping me.
And probably the biggest source of my anxiety of all: J’s memorial is this Saturday. The closer I get to Saturday, the more anxious I feel.
I’m anxious because I’m going to have to see my SIL again and things were barely patched up between us before. I’m sure we’ll be on our best behavior because neither she nor I like conflict.
But it still makes me feel deeply uncomfortable knowing that she is apparently fine with the things her mother (my MIL) said about me and the kids…or at least fine enough with it not to defend us.
That rubs me the wrong way and it does for Amy, too. I know she is feeling just as anxious about Saturday as I am, if not more so.
I know I’m going to have a lot of support there, too. But still.
But what makes me feel most anxious is that it’s really, really, really starting to hit me that J is really gone.
I think that because his memorial was scheduled so far after his death, it allowed me to suspend my grief. Put it on hold. I know that we scheduled it for this week because it’s good weather for my parents to be driving down from Michigan and it also works well for SIL and her husband to travel (they’re both teachers and this week is their spring break.)
But honestly? I don’t think that it was the right decision for me. I was thinking about everyone else’s wishes/convenience/safety, instead of what was really best for me.
I’ve been in a weird suspended space since January 1st when he died. My grief hasn’t felt entirely real.
Now it does. All the delayed reactions are finally catching up with me and it’s honestly awful and terrible and sickening.
It is finally starting to seem real that I was with my soulmate when he died. That was real. And suddenly I am very much NOT OKAY.