So I’m doing a lot of things to slowly move ahead.
First, I’m trying to get my house cleaned up before my parents arrive on Friday. Dyl and I have appointments to get our memorial tattoos honoring J on Thursday (rescheduled from last month due to weather.) Most of Thursday is going to be out for that reason.
I think I’ll be able to get everything done on time and whatever I can’t do will just get shoved into my bedroom closet. I think that trying to completely clean it out was too big of an undertaking for now.
It’s kinda weird: I’ve recently heard from my former best friend. I guess I thought that because she was in contact with another mutual friend, she would’ve heard about J’s death much sooner. But she actually found out about it from reading my Medium articles, which were curated in a newsletter she got from Medium. (How weird and random is that?)
She seems much better. I can tell that she’s been in a lot of therapy, which is awesome. I’m still a little wary about seeing her again but I think that’s just mostly because I have to get through J’s memorial first and that’s occupying a lot of my thoughts.
If things work out well, that will be two friends that I have in the local area, now that my friend Annette moved back from California recently. (I do have a lot of other local friends and we help each other occasionally but don’t get to hang out often.)
I have to write something about J to be included in the bulletin they will give out at his memorial. That’s surprisingly difficult to do. How do you sum up a life in 500 words or so? I did feel like I wrote a beautiful obituary for him so maybe I’ll just try to riff on that.
I’m also in the process of applying to grad school. It looks most likely that I’ll end up doing the online MSW at Baylor after all. I feel good about that for a lot of reasons, the biggest being that I had researched the program pretty thoroughly before J died and had determined that it was worlds better than other local schools that I was considering.
J gave me his explicit blessing to use his life insurance money to further my education, and specifically at Baylor if I wanted.
I’m sure that grad school is going to be a hard road but I actually do believe in myself and what I’m doing. That counts for a lot.
I just wish that J could still be here instead. I would trade everything to still have him here with me. It does make me feel somewhat better that I can use his life insurance to create a more stable future for myself and I know he would wholeheartedly approve. He always believed in me, even more than I did.
I just wish that my success didn’t come at the cost of losing him.