Just a meh day

I didn’t wake up until almost dinner time yesterday. I’m so relieved when Dylan takes over the cooking. I’m still not yet at a place of having a normal appetite yet and I’m not cooking very often either (although I do pick up food for us a couple of times a week, which I feel fortunate to be able to do.)

I got the official denial letter from J’s life insurance company which cuts down the amount I’ll receive by $58,000 (which amounts to about a third of the total.)

So I sent an email to his HR director, who has been good about working with me so far.) The amount was supposed to go up by $58,000 as of January 1st and J died on January 1st. Their reason for denial was that he was out on short-term disability for the last week of December and as such was not a “full-time employee on January 1st.“

I asked the HR director if the policy had a clause stating that you had to be a FT employee to get the increased amount.

Either way, now it’s fight time and I really don’t have the energy for this but I’m going to have to summon it somehow. That amount of money is so large that even if a lawyer took half of it, it’s worth fighting.

But I just felt so exhausted and I think that’s why I slept all day. That and the fact that I took Dyl and Sav down to HEB yesterday, a grocery store he learned to love while he was at A&M last semester. It ended up being a pretty long drive and I was just worn out from it.

I really hope I won’t always get tired this easily. It doesn’t necessarily bode well for trying to get through grad school, even part-time. I’m really counting on myself to find an inner well of strength and general “kick-assness” that I’m frankly not entirely sure is still there inside me.

I can’t tell if I’m so exhausted because of my leukodystrophy or because I’m still grieving, you know?

And then late last night, Chloe came out to make a cup of tea right at the time that I was trying to open the box of J’s ashes and transfer them into a permanent urn.

It ended up being both physically and emotionally difficult but she helped me with it. We both cried a lot. We only spilled a very tiny bit of the ashes, which I used J’s Clash t-shirt that I sleep with to clean them up. (Chloe of course went through with a Clorox wipe afterwards for sanitary reasons.)

So now I have the beginning of what will be a shrine to J, which itself brings me some peace, even if the process was a bit more of an ordeal than expected.

Chloe was great through the whole thing. She is so strong yet so compassionate. She thinks that having a shrine to J in our home is very fitting, both with his belief system being so influenced by Japan and because now we can talk to him whenever we want. It feels much more personal than going to a grave site, for example.

So now I’m finally working on the shrine for him. It will take a while to get just the right things for it. But I couldn’t even start it until yesterday. So maybe that’s a sign of healing or something, I don’t know.

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