Getting back to life

I have done a lot so far this week and it feels like I’m coming back to life.

In truth, it feels way too soon, like I’m “moving on” too quickly. It’s only been two months since J died.

Honestly, this is not at all how I expected grieving to go. I’m really afraid every time I have one of these normal, productive days that I’m moving on too soon.

Like I’m going to forget J and everything that he meant to me. I do feel like he was my soulmate. So how can I be okay without him?

I’m actually experiencing a lot of guilt over this. I just don’t feel right going on without him.

But I can also tell that I’m probably still in a major state of denial because I can’t look at pictures of us and even recognize those people, even though I know on some level that it was really us and we really were that happy.

I wanted to discuss this with my therapist yesterday but we were having technical problems and had to reschedule for Thursday instead.

On another note, my writing career is really taking off as a result of the writing I’m doing for Medium. An editor from YourTango approached me through LinkedIn, having seen and liked one of my Medium articles.

It’s like all of a sudden, my creativity is unblocked and I’m getting a lot of attention for what I write. And that’s obviously wonderful but why couldn’t I do that while I was married?

One of my biggest regrets about my marriage was that I could never help J enough financially. I have been making my living as a writer for 19 years and success always eluded me. Why now?! Why couldn’t this have happened at any other point before this?

Was there something about my marriage that blocked my creativity? I know J always deeply supported me as a writer and thought that I was capable of so much more success. I really don’t know why I couldn’t find it for so, so long.

Maybe it was just the weight of keeping the secret of his abuse; I don’t know. But I do feel more free to create now and honestly, that really disturbs me a lot. It just feels wrong in every way.

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