A good day, finally

I had the first day since J died that felt legitimately good.

Honestly, that makes me feel guilty, like it’s way too soon for me to have a good day.

That’s not to say that it was a day full of laughs or anything. I just got a lot of shit done that’s been on my to-do list for a while.

I finally got caught up on all my freelance work. That’s the first time I can say that I was current with all my freelance deadlines since early December and I am so thankful to work for such an understanding client.

I got a thank you card to J’s employer mailed out.

I got 3 packages taken back to UPS.

I picked up a prescription refill.

I sorted through all the boxes in my bedroom of stuff that has arrived in the past 2 months.

I changed out all the cat litter.

Chloe made her own appointment for blood work and drove herself to it, which is HUGE. And it seemed to boost her feelings of competence and confidence, which I think will only continue to grow from here.

She’s really blossoming into a gradually more capable and confident young woman and I love to see it. Now that she’s come out, she’s back to being the same child who always had a very close relationship to me, only better because she has such a compassionate heart and so much empathy for others. Yet she’s also fiercely loyal and will fight hard for the people she loves.

She also really values family and is strongly considering making one more tweak to her name when we change her gender marker in June. Right now, she just changed her name to Chloe Riley, keeping the same middle name. She looks way more feminine than masculine anyway, so we just wanted her name to match her appearance before she applies to the state pharmacy board.

But now she’s considering changing her name to Chloe Anna, in honor of my paternal grandmother whose name was Anna. Apparently, we have quite a few distant cousins named Anna who live in Poland as well. My uncle is a genealogy buff and he’s actually gone to the city in Ireland where my paternal great-grandmother is from and has even been in the church in Poland where my great-great-great grandparents were married. (He even saw the wedding records in the books.)

Of course, he thinks it would be totally cool if Chloe changed her name to Chloe Anna (and so do I, quite frankly.) And I LOVE the fact that my family is so genuinely supportive of my transgender kids!! But the decision is ultimately up to her. But she’s the only one of my kids who values extended family so much, which is why she was understandably so hurt by my MIL disowning us.

I very randomly met another young widow through a mutual friend, which felt quite a lot like destiny.

Today just felt okay, like maybe I’ve got this after all. I’m sure that I’ll have more days when I can’t get out of bed and my appetite is still nowhere near normal. But I take days like today like a victory.

Oh yeah—and one of my best friends moved back from California and just arrived yesterday, so I will have real-life offline support again too!


  1. SH says:

    Sending love ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. SH says:

    I’m guessing J wouldn’t want you to feel guilty though I’m sure he’d understand why you feel guilty. Because he is your beloved and so are you his beloved. You do deserve good days. It’s not too soon – it just is. You’re not betraying him, in case you’re thinking you are.

    I think I’ve ever said you and J remind me of B and my relationship.

    It’s like when B and I talk and I’ve always said that if I die before him, I’d still want him to eventually find joy and peace and love again. I know he would be devastated and he’s always said he doesn’t think he would live on, but I still believe the right person (platonic or romantic) would understand his grief about my death, and honour my place in his heart.

    Liked by 1 person

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