It’s so tempting to just take an overdose of pills and not wake up tomorrow. I can’t tell you how hard I am fighting it. I know exactly the combination of pills to take to ensure I wouldn’t survive.
The kids would be okay. It might further complicate the life insurance (if I’m ever going to get it) but I’m not sure if any of them are the beneficiaries on my bank account.
I have to call and make sure they are tomorrow. I also made a lot of progress on cleaning my bathroom today but none on my closet.
On the other hand, I know they would likely just donate all my clothes anyway. I’m embarrassed by the state of the mess but I guess that would all go away and wouldn’t be my problem anymore.
I have enough money in my account to cover the rent for several months. They would be fine and probably wouldn’t even have to leave this house unless they wanted to.
I just really don’t want to be in this world without J and I definitely can’t do all this alone.
“If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the nos on their vacancy signs
If there’s no one beside you
When your soul embarks
I’ll follow you into the dark”