I’m trying to write an article about this for Medium but I’ve hit a roadblock.
Basically, the risk of dying goes up significantly in the first 3-6 months after your spouse’s death—as much as 90 percent. They’ve extensively researched this and they still don’t really know why it happens.
And apparently, the risk is even greater if you’re widowed in your 40s or 50s, compared to if it happens when you’re older.
I also have the significant risk factor that my income went from being middle class to below the poverty line with my husband’s death.
Honestly this both terrifies me and also makes me hope I do die.
Obviously, especially given the fact that my kids have a very strong familial history of depression, I can’t die by suicide. I know that could potentially set off some almost Shakespearean chain of deaths.
But oh my god, I just don’t want to be here anymore. I can think of so many advantages for the kids if I weren’t (assuming that they didn’t also off themselves in response.)
And I wouldn’t have to live with this deep pit of despair anymore. I’ve been reading some groups for widows and people say it never really gets better. I just can’t face the rest of my entire life feeling like this.
Some people say that their late husbands regularly make appearances to them in some form or another. I’ve been literally praying every day for some kind of sign from J and it never happens.
I have nothing to look forward to. Literally, my future has nothing to offer me anymore. I just really don’t see the point in being alive at all.