My birthday

My birthday did NOT start out like I’d hoped, to say the least.

I had been having trouble falling asleep as it was and had been lying in bed in fitful sleep for a couple of hours. Then Chloe came into my room at about 6:45 am and said that Scooty had gotten his paw stuck in the edge of my entertainment center. I still don’t know how he did it!

She actually had to use an Allen wrench to pry apart the shelf so he could get his paw free. Then his paw was bleeding and he was obviously in pain so we had to wait until the vet’s office opened at 8.

They said they could get him in at noon, then Chloe tried to get a hold of Amy to see if she could take him in because I obviously hadn’t had enough sleep and I didn’t feel confident about Chloe driving because she hadn’t had enough sleep either plus the roads were icy.

Around 9 am, she told me that she got hold of Amy and she agreed to take him in. So I slept from about 9-11:30 and again from 12-1 and that was it.

Long story short, Scooty is fine. The vet took x-rays and said it just looked like soft tissue damage that would heal in time and gave him antibiotics and pain meds. But I have to watch him closely and make sure he doesn’t get stuck again.

Given the fact that he already lost one limb, he’s either extremely accident-prone or very stupid. And given the fact that this was his second accident in less than a year, I think pet insurance is a good investment (especially since today’s visit cost me $300.)

So then Amy and her boyfriend John just stayed over until after 11pm. Dylan’s girlfriend Savannah gave me a wonderful gift: a Kendra Scott bracelet shaped like a cat face. She really knocked it out of the park.

I spent some good time with Amy, too. First, she helped me look for the old cards J had given me and unfortunately wasn’t successful.

But then I asked her (through my tears, of course) if she thought J loved me as much as I loved him. That’s just been one of those nagging little thoughts that I haven’t been able to get rid of.

I said that if I could have traded places with him and been the one to get cancer instead, I would. And that was the first way that she convinced me that he did love me too, because she felt 100% convinced that in a situation where one of us had to get cancer, we would both be trying to beat each other to push the button and take it on ourselves.

Survivor’s guilt is a very real thing and it’s absolutely horrible.

Then she told me an interesting story that I had never heard before. A few months after we moved back down here, she was complaining about me a lot to J and blaming me for the move. (That part wasn’t surprising at all.)

She said that J had a pretty lengthy conversation with her in which he said that she couldn’t just be mad at me because it was a 50-50 decision and she was trying to take away his agency. I found that very interesting because I know that at the time he said that, he still wasn’t happy about the move either and held a lot of resentment towards me for it.

And Amy said that the conversation thoroughly pissed her off and took her several months to get over. But she also understood how solidly we were a united front and that if he hadn’t said that, she still might not be talking to me today.

She also mentioned a time before we left Michigan when we weren’t getting along well. I remember exactly what time period she was talking about. She was trying to convince him to leave me and she said the horrified look he gave when she mentioned it made her feel like a shitlord.

I remember having a similar conversation with my dad around the same age when my parents were having problems, too. I think there are some things you just can’t understand about adult relationships until you’re in one.

She also said that it used to mildly annoy her that we always spent a couple of hours talking behind closed doors every night, especially when we had other things to do. And at first, she didn’t understand what we could be talking about, since we were pretty open with them about our financial difficulties.

Now that she’s in that kind of relationship herself, she understands the value of just talking to someone who knows all your secrets and even your darkest thoughts.

We ended the night by getting Chuy’s Tex-Mex and drinking margaritas and trading musical recs with Dyl. John and I have very, very similar music tastes, so that was fun. And Amy accused me of “hiding my power level” when it comes to music, which means that I know a lot more than she thinks I do.

Chloe and I made a vegan chocolate cake to accommodate Amy and John and they really liked it and appreciated the gesture.

Overall, it was just kind of an emotional day, in a totally different way than I expected.

My mother-in-law didn’t send me a card, which didn’t surprise me at all but it was disappointing. But at least my sister-in-law sent me a personal message which was very appreciated (and let me know unofficially that she hasn’t been poisoned by her mom’s opinion of me.)

I guess that will have to be good enough for now.

I still can’t really believe that he’s gone.

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