My first birthday alone

Chloe made a chocolate cake for me for my birthday. It was the first time she’s ever baked anything and I think it boosted her confidence that it turned out right.

J always used to bake my birthday desserts for me and I always did the same for him. I feel really bad now that for the past two years, I just had him buy me a dessert because what I really wanted was tiramisu and I knew what a pain in the ass that was to make.

To be fair, he did make one for me one year and it turned out great. I just didn’t want to subject him to all the effort again. And I know it kind of hurt his feelings that I just wanted to buy one. I tried to smooth it over by explaining just what I did here—that I knew they were a pain to make and I was just trying to spare his time.

But I wonder how much that bothered him. In retrospect, I wish I would have just asked for a simpler cake.

Tomorrow, Amy and John are going to come over to celebrate my birthday. All the kids have assured me that they will try to make it special and I am sure they will do a great job.

But the fact of the matter is that J’s not here. I know they are aware of that too. It still feels like something big is missing because it is.

Just two or three days before he died, J bought me a gift certificate for a tattoo that was a combined birthday/Christmas gift. I’ve got an appointment for the 24th of this month to go in for it, with the same artist who did the beautiful tattoo on my right arm.

I’m going to be getting a sakura blossom to represent J, leaning against a lilac branch to represent me on my left arm. And I’ll probably have his name and dates written under it.

He knew that’s what I was planning to do and he obviously approved of it. I just really never thought he’d already be gone by my birthday.

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