My future is here and I don’t know what I am going to do with myself.
Losing J was always the exact one thing that I most feared happening and that’s exactly what happened. I don’t know how to pick myself up, how to carry on with the rest of my life.
I did talk to a therapist today who was a referral from one of my parenting group friends. I count myself as very, very fortunate to have made those friends 20 years ago. They have proven that even though the initial group has mostly disbanded by now, they’re still there for me even now.
In fact, the parenting group friend who referred me to this therapist has also somehow arranged it so that I don’t have to pay. That’s just such an enormous gift that I can’t even put it into words.
I spoke with the therapist briefly yesterday and I can tell that she’s really going to be able to help me.
But the fact of the matter is that I’m still hopelessly depressed. I miss J so much and I still honestly can’t believe that he’s really gone. I was looking through old pictures of him yesterday and he looked so much better even as recently as just November. There was just no way I could have predicted that he’d be dead by New Year’s Day.
I feel so robbed and cheated. I know I was never guaranteed a certain amount of time with him but he didn’t even make it to 50.
I just want to scream and wail and throw a fit about the unfairness of it all. But what would even be the point of doing that? He’s still dead either way and I’m still alive without him.