I don’t know what to do with myself

My future is here and I don’t know what I am going to do with myself.

Losing J was always the exact one thing that I most feared happening and that’s exactly what happened. I don’t know how to pick myself up, how to carry on with the rest of my life.

I did talk to a therapist today who was a referral from one of my parenting group friends. I count myself as very, very fortunate to have made those friends 20 years ago. They have proven that even though the initial group has mostly disbanded by now, they’re still there for me even now.

In fact, the parenting group friend who referred me to this therapist has also somehow arranged it so that I don’t have to pay. That’s just such an enormous gift that I can’t even put it into words.

I spoke with the therapist briefly yesterday and I can tell that she’s really going to be able to help me.

But the fact of the matter is that I’m still hopelessly depressed. I miss J so much and I still honestly can’t believe that he’s really gone. I was looking through old pictures of him yesterday and he looked so much better even as recently as just November. There was just no way I could have predicted that he’d be dead by New Year’s Day.

I feel so robbed and cheated. I know I was never guaranteed a certain amount of time with him but he didn’t even make it to 50.

I just want to scream and wail and throw a fit about the unfairness of it all. But what would even be the point of doing that? He’s still dead either way and I’m still alive without him.

4 Comments

  1. SH says:

    Dear friend, there doesn’t have to be a point to expressing your grief. It IS unfair that he died, it IS extremely painful as you lost your beloved. Let yourself cry, rant, whatever you need. You have more than enough your plate to add on unconsciously dismissing your emotional expression.

    Grief is due to love. You’re bereaved, depressed, worried, and of course you are. How could you not be? Maybe even you go numb because its all so heavy.

    Let friends and the therapist carry the weight of grief with you, my dear friend. Let those friends help with other practical stuff too if they can.

    You’ve been such a helper, in so many ways like donating to food banks. It’s not wrong to receive community care. It’s your turn to receive emotional and practical support.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Holly says:

      Thank you. It’s so hard for me to be the one receiving help rather than giving it. But I know it’s what I have to do right now.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. SH says:

        Sending love ❤️

        Like

  2. SH says:

    You don’t have to know how to pick up and carry on. It’s all too early and you’re understandably struggling with so much. There will be a time when you can breathe a bit and then look at that. For the meantime, you need all the support you can get. Delegate the practical stuff whenever possible.

    Liked by 1 person

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