That’s what I feel right now.
I had an episode earlier in the day yesterday when I felt like I couldn’t even breathe. I’m sure it was anxiety-related and I spent money I couldn’t really afford to spend on a gravity blanket because some people on Facebook said it would help me.
I’m just so, so lost right now. I’m finally getting it that J is really gone and never coming back and I just can’t deal with that at all.
Already it feels like he’s so far away from me and so are the memories of the times we had together. Was that really me in those happy pictures? Was any of it even real or was it all just a dream?
I also keep thinking about his mom and stepdad and I can’t find any good reason to keep them in my life after the funeral. After I had that experience when J visited me during a dream/half-asleep state, I reached out to his mom and said that even if there are things that we disagree about, we should still try to maintain peace between us. I even ended the message with a ❤️ emoji.
It’s been six days since I sent that and I still haven’t gotten a response. I guess that’s better than getting a hateful response but honestly not by much.
Meanwhile she’s building additions on to her house and buying brand-new cars and posting things about how the only person she has to take care of is herself and it’s not her responsibility to rescue anyone from their “bad decisions.”
Maybe that’s not personal but it sure as hell feels like it is.
I am just mulling over in my head a letter that I want to write and send to her after the funeral. She was responsible for fucking up so much of his life and shows absolutely zero remorse for any of it.
He always needed therapy and he knew it but wouldn’t get it. I do hold them largely responsible for the fact that his life was so hard. From the age of 10 (!!!) he was helping his parents put on a new roof. Even his grandparents objected to that but they were overruled, of course.
Sue seems to have conveniently “forgotten” all the help she got from her own parents (including buying her house outright and letting her pay them back when she felt she could afford it—which was often not at all for months at a time.)
She has no intention of passing along the generosity that she received and still thinks of herself as a “self-made woman” who worked hard for everything she got and she thinks anyone who didn’t do the same is in their situations solely by their own fault.
I think J and I would have eventually gotten there ourselves but he died at 49. To expect me to be financially stable now is a joke.
I have to place a whole lot of trust in Chloe to step up and cover her share of the bills. I don’t actually know yet if she will; I just have to take it on faith.
But I can tell you that things would be a lot less terrifying if my MIL would step up and help out. Which she won’t. I just have to hope that I get my life insurance payout and Chloe gets a job before it gets that desperate.
I know J doesn’t want me to completely cut off his mom and I understand that. I do. But I also see how atrociously she’s behaved and I kind of wonder if I really owe her anything at all.