Today was kind of a nothing day. I actually forced myself to get out of bed but it just felt like I was going through the motions of existing.

I had a telehealth appointment with my counselor, which really didn’t feel helpful at all. I should probably see a different counselor who is more helpful but my current therapist is free for me to see through July and any other counselor I would go see would cost money.

Maybe at some point in the future, I’ll feel like I can spare the money (maybe when I get J’s life insurance check, amount still TBD.) But I can’t right now. Neither of my kids are working yet and Chloe’s plans to sign up for a trainee license through the state pharmacy board are on hold now.

Amy decided that it would be easier to legally change Chloe’s name before transferring the title of J’s car to her and submit the gender marker change later. Apparently trying to change both at the same time is a lot more difficult, according to Amy (who has done it.)

That will also make it easier for Chloe to get a job because then her name will match her appearance. But that’s also going to require going to the courthouse and the DMV and to get fingerprints made—which is going to be tough since Chloe doesn’t currently wake up until about 5 pm.

I might have Amy help me with this because I just don’t have anywhere close to that amount of fight in me.

But knowing that Chloe getting a job depends on this makes it really, really pressing. And that just feels so overwhelming to me.

I got 2 articles done last night, so I’m finally sort of getting caught up (as long as I can continue working at the same rate all weekend.)

I just really want to go to sleep and when I wake up, everything will be back to normal. J will still be alive and call me his little bird and tell me that I don’t have to worry about anything.

But I know that’s just a fantasy. Tomorrow I am going to wake up again and he still won’t be here and I’ll still have to worry. There isn’t any break from that anymore.

He always made me feel so safe and secure and now he’s just gone.

1 Comment

  1. SH says:

    Hugs offered. I’ve no words, and I wish I could make it even a little bit easier for you. 💔❤

    Liked by 1 person

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