Ugh

Just…ugh. Yesterday was not fun.

I had to take Dylan for his second round of getting his cavities filled and now I am $630 poorer. And when I went out to start up my car, I discovered that I need an oil change again, which is another $80 I have to come up with.

It’s kinda funny (but not really at all) that for the past couple of years, I have driven so little that I always far exceeded the recommended time for another oil change. This time, because of all the driving down to A&M and back, I actually have to get an oil change before the recommended date on my sticker. I’m not really happy about that.

Dylan gave me $200 to cover my oil change and the fact that his fillings were more than we were quoted by $120. I think that helps a little.

Overall, it was just a tough day in general. I needed way more sleep than I got and tomorrow is more of the same. I’m trying to catch up on my work again and didn’t get nearly as much done as I needed to do.

I felt at odds with the kids (well, Chloe and Dylan) and like they are leaving me to do most of the work around the house and I just can’t.

The gentle parenting approach I’ve tried to take with them seems to be biting me in the ass right now.

But I made the mistake of complaining to my mom about it (who has been a wonderful source of support otherwise) and she had all kinds of unrealistic reactions, like that I should have the kids mow the lawn this summer. She’s basing that on what Michigan summers are like, not Texas ones.

I got pretty testy with the kids, especially Dylan. I know that most of that was just that I was mad that he took such poor care of his teeth last semester and he acted like there was nothing he could have done differently. He just completely refused to take responsibility for it and thought I should take sympathy on him.

He is the most like his father, especially like J was when he was younger. And that brought back a lot of unwelcome memories of when J had similar issues with taking accountability for things for so many years of our marriage. I want to believe that he was always the great man that he was in the last five years of our marriage in particular but the truth is that he wasn’t. (And to be fair, I had at least as many shortcomings that I’ve overcome as well.)

I needed to try to reconnect with the kids and move forward, which I think I did. Chloe paid off J’s car yesterday and finally bought new glasses, which I think she will actually really wear and which look cute on her. That’s a very big deal because she’s needed to wear glasses since about sixth grade and hasn’t. (SO much wasted money on glasses and contacts she never wore!) But maybe that was somehow related to gender dysphoria, who knows.

Dylan came in and showed me a link to a Twitter account of bodega cats, which just made me super happy. I think we ended the night on a note of peace.

But I also found out that I most likely did not get a mortgage approved on my own income alone. I will probably have to wait and reapply later, most likely in 2 years when I have my husband’s social security survivor benefits. It doesn’t matter that my credit score is good; I just don’t have enough income.

Of course that makes me worry even more about what will happen to interest rates and home prices around here in that time. But right now, all the signs are telling me to cool my heels.

And that’s probably a good thing in the big picture because the thought of moving was a pleasant distraction from my grief. I’m still trying hard not to think about the depth of my loss and what just happened to me; it’s truly unbearable.

I know I need to let myself start feeling it soon but I honestly don’t even know how.

The cats are even out of sorts. Hermione is peeing on everything and Scooty is sitting on the ottoman for the purple chair where J used to sit…like he’s waiting for him to come back. It’s so sad.

And meanwhile I sent my mother-in-law a text message 2 days ago, offering an olive branch, and she hasn’t responded. But she’s posting on FB about additions she’s adding on to her house in Michigan and she just bought a brand-new car. Must be nice. She has never once offered any help to me of ANY sort, financial or otherwise.

The kids and I will stumble and figure out how to get on our feet without her. But she shouldn’t be surprised when we want nothing to do with her. It’s not for any of the bullshit reasons she thinks it is, either. It’s because we all see through her and how selfish she really is.

I tried to make peace because that’s what J would want but I can’t make her extend the same to me.

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