Connecting with the other side

I had a really strong reaction to my Covid booster on Saturday. I got a fever around 1 am Saturday night. And my fever was still 103F last night at midnight and I had body aches, a headache, and a stuffy nose. I even began to wonder if I had somehow contracted Covid before I got the booster.

Around 9:30 am Sunday morning, I was awake but not fully. All I know is that the Klonopin that I take at bedtime would have worn off.

And call it whatever you will—a “fever dream” if you’re a cynical atheist like Dylan, my subconscious mind telling me what J would say because I knew him so well (Chloe’s take on it), or J trying to communicate with me from the other side—J came to me and had a few things to tell me.

He told me that where he is now, he has no more pain and he’s watching over me. He said he misses me and it makes him sad to see how much we miss him.

He said that the kids will help me get through this and to lean on them more. (Which, notably, I have not been doing as much as I should; instead, I’m trying to take care of them, often at my own expense.)

He also told me that even though his mom is difficult, to remember that she’s still a connection to him.

That one took me by surprise the most. He didn’t tell me not to cut off contact with her but obviously he knew that I had been considering doing so. And it gave me enough pause that I sent a nice message to his mom tonight. We’ll see if she actually responds or not.

And of course, like always, he said, “I love you, little bird.”

The dream (?) or experience was powerful and overwhelming and made me cry so hard. I have wanted to receive some kind of experience like that ever since he died.

I think that the Klonopin that I take to help me sleep probably blocks out a lot of those communications. That’s tough because I’m physically dependent on the medication by now and in fact recently increased my dosage.

If I took naps in the evening like I used to, that would enable the dreaming too, but for a wide variety of reasons (all of them bad) I haven’t been napping in the evenings anymore.

Yes, I’m fully aware that I am not doing the things I need to in order to take care of myself. I just feel so much obligation to be there more for the kids that I’m not allowing myself to do what I need to do for my own health (physical and emotional.)

Meanwhile, I got J’s death certificates yesterday, so I need to start sending them out. And that will begin the real battle with the life insurance company.

J’s life insurance provided by his employer was supposed to increase by $58,000 as of January 1st. So far, the life insurance company is denying it because he had just filed for short-term disability days before he died. The insurance company is now saying that he had to be an active employee as of January 1st and they’re claiming that he wasn’t because he was on short-term disability.

J’s employer has been really good and helpful and they are trying to fight this too. But the real question will be whether or not I get $155,000 or $213,000.

That obviously makes a very big difference. The IRS has discovered their overpayment last year and now that’s due. I have a bunch of other smaller debts to pay off, too. If I only get the $155,000, that will be enough to put down a sizable down payment on a house in Denton and pay off my debts but won’t leave much left for savings—and I really want to have a sizable savings account to protect my future.

All I can really do is pray desperately that the life insurance company will pay me the full amount.

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