Thoughts and memories

I’m still not okay but that’s going to be the case for a long time, I think.

I wrote something for Medium last night about my relationship with J. It just felt kinda cathartic and good to get it out. What we had together really was something special.

Then I saw that one of my friends posted this link to the music video of the local band that J and I always used to see when we were in Michigan. J and I were actually in the crowd scene at the end of the video and it was just such a good memory that I have with him.

I don’t know how to deal with the fact that all I will have from him, forever, is memories. It just really feels so unfair that he’s not here anymore. He really should be, dammit! Why do so many truly horrible people get to go on living but he doesn’t?

Dylan said he had a dream last night and J was in it. Our whole family was together, just sitting around on a mountaintop. J wasn’t sick in the dream. It was just like normal times we used to have together.

Fortunately, his girlfriend had spent the night so he was able to tell her about the dream when he woke up. He said that it made him really sad when he woke up and realized that J was still gone.

I haven’t had any dreams of J since he died, probably because I’m taking meds to help me sleep.

On the one hand, I think I would be very very disturbed if I had a dream about him and had to wake up to the reality that he’s gone.

But on the other hand, I miss him so much that even seeing him in dreams would be wonderful.

I’ve heard that sometimes people you love who have died try to communicate with you in signs or other supernatural ways and none of that is happening for me. I don’t know if it eventually will or if I have to do something to encourage that or what.

All I know is that I miss him so much and I feel so, so alone.

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