I went outside

Yesterday, I went outside for the first extended period since J died. It was really, really weird—life is just still going on like normal, like nothing earth-shattering has happened to anyone else.

I got a mammogram, which I could still get as the 3D version because I still have insurance for another couple of weeks. The receptionist asked if I was single or married and I had to say I was widowed, which still feels like an unfamiliar term in my mouth.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow at noon, which is probably going to be pointless. I have a 15-year-old bridge in my mouth that sometimes causes sensitivity when I bite down on it, which might mean there’s decay underneath. I should probably get it replaced but if I do, even with insurance, it’s still probably going to be about $1500.

I could put it on Care Credit but I don’t know how I’d pay that off. And not to mention that Dylan has EIGHT cavities I have to pay to get filled next week, which is another $500.

At which point will I be able to say, “Sorry, kids, but this one’s on you”? They have pretty substantial savings.

I want to be as generous as possible with them, like we’re still living a good middle-class lifestyle. But the fact remains that we’re not living a middle-class lifestyle anymore and I don’t know how to adapt and I don’t think they do, either.

I know that part of it is that Chloe just needs to get a job ASAP. She’s not really trying yet because we need to get J’s car transferred to her name. But the longer she goes without a job, the more I freak out.

Honestly, Dylan probably needs to get a job, too. He’s mentioned it as something he may do “in the future,” like maybe this summer or something. I’m not sure it can wait that long.

I also realized that I’m probably going to have to pay for him to take drivers ed classes instead of teaching him myself, simply because I don’t really know how to parallel park and he’ll be tested on that. J kicked ass at parallel parking so he taught both Amy and Chloe how to do it.

That’s another $400 or so that I’ll have to come up with.

I also promised to help him get a car but now I have no idea how to do that, either—especially if my life insurance money keeps getting whittled down.

Life looks so, so scary from here and I just want to sleep it away.