Yesterday, I took my son to his grief counseling session and I stopped on the way home to get bananas. That was it for my great outing and it still took all my energy.
I ordered pizza just because none of us have really been eating lately. It was nice to have a meal we could all share at the table together.
I have to force myself to even drink water. The day before last, I ate a tapioca pudding cup and had half a smoothie.
It’s really, really starting to hit me that J’s gone. He’s really gone and not coming back, not ever.
Everything of his is just where he left it. The kids asked if I was leaving it there as a shrine to him and I just shrugged. All I know is that to move it would be some sort of acceptance of his absence and I’m not ready for that yet.
It’s not that I think he’s going to come back—at least, not consciously. But maybe on some level it does seem possible still. No, I haven’t lost my mind (I don’t think.)
But the speed with which he went from somewhat okay—at least by cancer’s definition—to dead is something that I still can’t even process, let alone recover from.
Meanwhile, I’m also still having fleeting thoughts that my MIL will take pity on me and help me out. Obviously, that’s laughable. She expressed plenty of worry to J about my survival without him—and she knows that I’m on disability—but doesn’t see it as her role to help in any way.
Similarly, my sister has been moderately supportive but despite her husband making more than $200K per year, they haven’t helped, either.
Will I get through this eventually? I’m sure I will somehow, especially if/when Chloe and Dylan start working.
I feel the most sorry for Dyl, though he doesn’t see it that way. He worked so hard to get where he is and now he’s not even sure that it’s what he wants to do anymore. And he already felt that way before J’s death but it just got way accelerated. Him dropping out of school feels like such a huge blow to me and I feel so sad about it.
But I also can’t help but think that both my sister’s husband and my MIL claim to be such good Christians and yet they have nothing to spare for a widow. Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself and I certainly don’t feel entitled to anything but I do remember lots of Bible stories about the need to take care of widows. I guess they missed that part.
Really, I just want J back. I’m so lonely without him. Is this going to be the rest of my life?