Another partial day

I didn’t get out of bed until 9:00 pm yesterday and I’m already going back to bed soon. But at least I finished an article yesterday so that’s something.

It’s cold here…again. That just makes me want to sleep even more. But unfortunately, I have to get up tomorrow to take my son to his grief counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon.

I think I’m going to need a grief counselor of my own, as my current therapist seems more focused on surface-level problems. I’ll give her a chance and see; maybe she can help. She’s free for me to see because UTSW has given me financial assistance through July.

While right now I do have plenty of money to see a grief counselor of my own, I also have to be mindful of the fact that the money I have now has to last me for a long, long time.

Chloe is now appropriately recovered from her dental surgery but grief is messing up her sleep schedule again. So I don’t expect her to get a job anytime soon.

I asked Dylan today if my perception that he probably would not be reapplying to A&M was correct and he said it probably was. As of right now, he has no definite plans to go back to school anywhere.

I know that a big part of that is that he wants to take a “gap year” or more and figure out what he really wants from his life. J’s death at the end of his first semester of college was certainly like a bomb went off in his life. But it’s also true that he was having doubts about his path long before J died. I give him a lot of credit for sticking it out through his first semester.

At the same time, I also feel so bad about everything, even though I couldn’t control it. He was the one of my kids with excellent grades and test scores and he really had a good shot at being successful on a traditional path. And now he may throw all that away.

But he also may not throw it away forever. He plans on getting a job at some unspecified point in the future and splitting the rent three ways with Chloe. While that would certainly make things easier for me, I don’t want him to alter his future potential for my sake.

Meanwhile, J’s life insurance company is already trying to screw me over and they haven’t even gotten the death certificate yet. J’s employer was raising their contribution $55,000 as of January 1st and the life insurance company is saying J’s ineligible because he had submitted a disability claim (for which I haven’t been paid yet.) And furthermore, I’m not sure what the disability claim would have to do with anything.

I’ll almost definitely have to get an attorney involved at some point to help me fight this but I am so, so tired now.

I’m just in limbo in every way right now and can’t make any predictions about my future. That makes me feel very unsettled. But for the time being, there’s nothing I can do to change it.

Oh, and one other thing that pisses me off royally, even though it’s minor: the woman who sponsored my kids when we joined the Catholic Church sent me a FB message yesterday, asking how J was doing. I informed her that he passed away on January 1st. She replied that she would “pray for his soul.” I don’t know if that’s just because he left the Catholic Church or because that’s what she’d say about anyone but I don’t think his soul needs to be prayed for.

He was the closest person I’ve ever met to living like Jesus. I’m not at all sure what I believe but if there’s such a thing as heaven, he’s definitely there. So fuck you and your “prayers for his soul.” I truly don’t believe that the fate of his soul is even remotely in question.

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