Day two of the real new reality

I thought I already understood grieving and no, no I really didn’t.

Yesterday was actually the second day in which I really felt the feelings of my grief; the day before when I took Dylan to clean out his dorm was really the first day that it really started to hit me.

I guess my previous thoughts like I was “grieving wrong” or that maybe I never really loved J (WTF??) were just weird protective mechanisms until reality hit me. It did seem like I was unnaturally productive compared to what I expected.

Now that I’ve gotten Dylan moved out of the dorms, suddenly I have just crashed and I crashed hard.

I look at photos of me and J together and they just seem surreal. Was I ever really that happy and loved that much? I know that I was but when I look at the photos, it almost looks like someone else. Someone else who had a much happier life.

I still have good things in my life—namely, the kids. And I am so grateful that they’re all capable adults and I don’t have to do a lot of day-to-day tending to them. Still, I feel so guilty about the selfishness of my grief, especially when I know that they’re also dealing with their own grief. I slept almost all day yesterday but then I felt so bad for leaving them alone and I apologized profusely.

They said it was fine and they were glad that I got the sleep but I still can’t help but feel like I’ve failed them by not being available to provide as much emotional support as they need.

I’m still incredibly worried about getting screwed over by the life insurance company. My mom keeps saying not to worry about it but so much of my future plans depend on it. Also, I don’t think my mom realizes just what assholes these companies can be.

I also still can’t even begin to wrap my head around the speed of J’s decline. On the one hand, I’m SO glad that he didn’t have to suffer more. Those last couple of weeks in particular were absolutely brutal to watch and that was only me watching helplessly. I can’t even imagine what it was like for him. I think that I’m going to be processing the trauma of those last couple of weeks for a long, long time.

I knew he wouldn’t have forever but I really never expected the end to come so rapidly or so soon.

I just really greatly miss him and I can’t really even comprehend the fact that he’s never coming back. Not ever? Just…wow.

I’ve tried looking for some kind of “sign” that he’s still around in spirit form; I have friends who swear by that. He himself believed that he’d be watching over us. But so far, I can’t see any signs of him at all and it’s just heartbreaking.

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