So much fear

I know I’m going to be okay in the short term, thanks especially to all the help I’ve gotten. I know I need to send out personal replies to all of them but right now I just feel so buried with everything.

I slept until 6 pm yesterday and I don’t even know why. I’m sure a big part of it is just pure exhaustion from everything I’ve been through in the past couple of weeks.

Another big factor is that it continues to sink in a little more each day that J is really gone and never coming back. I really can’t even begin to process how that feels except to say that it feels awful beyond words.

I applied for health insurance coverage through the federal exchanges yesterday and I don’t make enough money to get automatic tax credits toward purchasing a plan. Yet I also make too much money to qualify for Medicaid for me and the kids. Like what the fuck does that even mean?

I also had to fill out my first medical form listing my marital status as “widowed,” which just felt like a slap in the face, even if it’s true. I also had to change my emergency contact from J to Amy.

To top all that off, I am for sure going to have at the very least a long delay getting J’s life insurance money (if I ever get it.) Not only are they a shitty company but it’s also standard for life insurance policies to have an additional period of review if you die within 2 years of starting the policy. It had only been about 18 months before J died.

They can come up with all kinds of jank reasons to deny claims, though I’m somewhat reassured that I read that only like 0.5% of claims get permanently denied.

At the very least, it’s going to be a prolonged process with a probable fight on my hands (possibly requiring an attorney’s help) and I don’t remotely have the energy for that.

I still really want to buy a new-construction house in Denton to be closer to Amy and because Denton is a much cooler town than where I live now. Interest rates are also still low. Plus utilities in the city of Denton are a fraction of what they are here.

I know all that is probably going to have to wait until summer, both for me to get the life insurance money (hopefully) and for Chloe’s name/gender marker to be complete in June.

I’m just in this weird and terrifying place right now where nothing feels good.

Dyl and I are driving down to A&M tomorrow to move him out of the dorm.

And I might try to go look at a kitten later in the week because Scooter really needs a friend at his level and now that J’s gone, that’s not stopping me anymore. So maybe that’s a bright spot on the horizon. God knows that I really need one.

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