There’s no one reading anymore

J used to always read my blog posts. Sometimes, it was just a recap of something we’d discussed the night before. But sometimes it was also a way to clarify how I felt about something.

Now that he’s not reading and I get stats but no engagement from anyone, I just feel kind of lost. Or really a lot lost.

I think he would approve of the choices I’m making—everything from planning to move to Denton and put the property in the kids’ names as well as my own so they’ll have a co-ownership of a good investment. (That’s of course assuming I get my life insurance payout, which is anything but certain at this point.)

Dylan is rather rapidly stepping back from A&M and isn’t even sure if he wants to enroll next fall. He is beyond burned out and though he tried to make the best of it, it really wasn’t a good environment for him. It had a hugely detrimental effect on his physical and mental health. I don’t blame him for wanting some time to reconsider his options.

I just keep reminding him that whatever he decides will likely turn out right. I really can’t imagine being 19 and feeling like the weight of the world is on your whole shoulders.

Yesterday I also had some big, unexpected expenses—like $500 worth of cavity fillings for Dylan. And I’m trying to find out what we can do instead. Believe it or not, none of us qualifies for Medicaid, even despite the fact that my disability plus earnings are only around $2000 a month and the kids don’t have jobs yet.

I really, really don’t want to have to go through the JPS system if I can help it but is that just snobbery on my part?

Similarly, I bought almost $100 worth of groceries for someone who was in need. I used to do that kind of stuff all the time but I also wonder if I should be saving my money instead, especially when things feel so precarious right now.

On the one hand, my credit score finally improved and is in the “good” category. But on the other hand, I don’t really know how long that will last.

I had to fill out my first form where I described myself as widowed, which was a bit of a shock.

I don’t refer to J as “my late husband” yet because I guess on some level, I still expect him to be coming back any day now.

The alternative is thinking about the fact that he’s really for-real gone forever and I just can’t wrap my head around that yet. Maybe someday it will sink in.

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s